…yet. That’s the pitch anyway. Hi guys, it’s me, Elon. After such a successful reception to my idea with Kanye last week, I thought I would buy out this daily spot to share more of my thoughts directly with you, the citizen. You see, I have been growing tired of this whole coronavirus thing. This Covid-19 thing. I was one of the first to share my skepticism, which I won’t admit was wrong of me to do, but I still believe I can help us as a species to survive this threat. I’ll get more into it later, but the bottom line is this – there’s no coronavirus on Mars.


Again, not yet at least. Hopefully it will stay that way, but no promises or refunds if you already bought a ticket. SpaceX is all about pushing a scientific movement forward, not bickering over refunding or not refunding tickets.


But back to the exciting stuff. Here’s what is happening. Myself, along with my Grimes and our beautiful offspring Seth, will be leaving soon on a trip to the planet Mars. Our purpose? To settle the land in preparation for the first settlers who will come to Mars. Also this plan is full proof because the journey out there is long enough that anyone who might have the virus would be dead or over it by the time they got here. And if they are still alive with it, we can always have one of those oh-so-convenient accidents my company is prone to.


I will admit, being alone with Grimes and our child Quincy will be difficult on me personally. I mean, I watched the Martian and I am the one planning the mission, so I know that it’s going to be a tough first few years. But a world, free from sickness? A new world, bright, shiny, and clean? Oh, it sounds like a dream. A dream I hope you’ll join me in.


Soon we will be releasing applications for the first settlers of Mars on our website. Please begin training your physical body and try to keep the drinking to a minimum. You will be required to wear a mask at all times around both myself and Ms. Grimes. We will not be returning the favor.


Once you are here, you will work for us and see to our needs while we work on our art. Can you imagine the kind of shit Grimes is gonna produce when we’re living in outer space? I mean technically we live in outer space now, but Mars is different. Your reward will come when the 2nd generation arrives and they will work for you and me. When the 3rd generation comes, they will take their place, and so on.


Everything in its rightful place, everything clean and everything pure. Yes. Yeeeeeeeees.