(Harrisburg, PA) In daily life, there are many times throughout the day when you are forced to confront the absurdity of living in a modern society. Whether it is the out of control wealth gap or the fact that most elected representatives engage in light corruption at a minimum, if you think about any one element for too long your head will explode. Unfortunately, it is our solemn duty to tell you about something else that is sure to rile up your jimmies. Over the last several months, we have been chasing a story and we now can tell you that Newt Gingrich has a fart house.


Not only that, but he was so excited when he learned that we found out about it, he invited us over to check it out. We obviously declined (can you imagine?), but he was so dedicated he sent us a video of himself giving us a tour, apparently filmed by his wife Callista. We’ll describe the video first, but we were instructed to include this quick definition first.


Fart House – A secondary home for the express purpose of farting. Often close enough to get there in a hurry, but not so close that it isn’t a special occasion to go.


His email was very clear to include that, so blame him, not us.


The video then begins with him giving his best MTV Cribs arms spread welcome to his abode. He’s a very large man, but the door he is standing in is even larger. As he walks in, you see that there are several large paintings and tapestries making up the grand entrance hall, each displaying a different depiction of a toilet. From cave paintings to baroque works, there is a piece of toilet art for everyone.


Although the video has no audio, it is clear he is farting constantly throughout. At one point, the camera drops and Newt breaks character to make sure Callista is OK. One can only assume that he eyes were watering from being in the house.


The home tour continues and for the most part it seems pretty normal, just rich people stuff everywhere. But it wasn’t until we read his own description of what we were seeing that we understood how prevalent this is amongst Gingrich’s peers.


“Everyone has a fart house,” his email states. “I once spent five weeks in Lindsey Graham’s fart house after I ate a bad bowl of chili. It wasn’t my cup of tea, but once you go in, you can’t come out until you are done. Thankfully, after we sold the Iraq war, I was able to buy my own fart house here in PA. I love coming up here with Callista for a weekend. Too bad she can’t fart or else she might love it even more.”


The message ended with him again inviting us to come visit, even going so far as to include his address. Unfortunately, it’s still going to be a hard no from us, but thanks for giving us the opportunity to TP your house. Oh the irony that will most definitely be lost on you, Newt.