(Washington, D.C.) As the world trudges into August with no more clarity surrounding COVID-19, news from a press release out of the capitol this morning sheds some silent, but possibly life saving news on efforts to combat the virus. 

“Look, if I’m wearing premium cotton underwear, luxury brand denim, and I can still smell my own farts, who’s to say I can’t contract COVID, from smelling someone else’s??” Said Fauci to a CNN reporter when questioning the advice. 

Early stories and cell phone camera clips have already started flowing in with disturbed shoppers apparently inspecting other shoppers to see if they are taking this new precaution. In one clip out of San Diego a woman asks another shopper, “um excuse me…I can see straight through those knock off LuLu Lemon pants, and you’re not wearing a plug which is endangering me..”

The adult & erotic toy market already poised to grow another $9b by 2023, saw a huge jump in pre-market trading as manufacturers announced swift overhauls to their warehouses and equipment to manufacture the equipment, now officially designated PPE by the CDC. 

Unsurprisingly, Elon Musk announced a Tesla Model XXX which will feature a self sealing plug built into every seat of the vehicle. 

As millions continued to lose their job, Musk saw another 40% jump in TSLA’s stock price, already trading at a record high. 

President Trump once again stirred the pot following the news, tweeting: “BIG Thank you to Mr. MUSK and Tesla. Wonderful guy. Exclusive preorder placed. Liberals will never fit in one! These PLUGS are HUGE!!!”

Reporters from virtually all outlets have attempted to reach the CDC for comment, but were unable to reach anyone as of writing this article.