Frat Guy Arrested for DUI Finds Out There are Laws When Drinking Claws

“This is an outrage!” cried 21 & a half year old Trev-bot Simmons while being pulled into a cell, wearing handcuffs. “I am going to sue this police department, White Claw, and God herself. My father will hear about this!” Although this may sound like the disappointed babbling of any white man facing consequences, there is a specific scenario that prompted Trev’s indignation. You see, late on Monday evening, Simmons was arrested on a DUI charge after plowing his Honda Ruckus scooter into an interactive art display. According to eye witness reports, Simmons barely noticed the crash, instead proceeding to pee on the art installation before yelling ‘No laws!’


With his father’s lawyer present, we were able to interview Trev about what happened and why he thinks he deserves to be let free on account of false advertising.


“Listen, I understand the law, I’m a pre-law major with a job already lined up at my Dad’s firm,” Trev-bot began. “So I know that when White Claw says ‘No laws when drinking Claws,’ they are contractually obligated to null all laws for their customers after consumption. I mean, am I right Uncle Taylor?”


“No, legally speaking, you are not,” replied the lawyer sitting next to him. “But Trevor, that doesn’t mean that the law can’t be changed or the right palms can’t be greased. This is off the record, right?”


“Yeah, I told them to make sure it was. But this is exactly what I am talking about! In my opinion, the law was broken when White Claw said ‘there’s no laws when drinking Claws,’ how is it my fault that I took them seriously? Seems like the two should cancel each other out.”


We cleared our throats, happy to get a chance to talk considering we were conducting the interview. “Yes, but considering that isn’t an official slogan or phrase trademarked by White Claw, it seems like it won’t hold up in court.”


“But I saw it on a t-shir-“


“Trevor, please, let me do the talking,” the lawyer interrupted. “You see, he saw it on a t-shirt.”


“Just seems like it won’t hold up in court, but you are the lawyer. Regardless, what do you hope happens with this trial? Aren’t you afraid that further investigations will follow into your family and personal life?”


Both the men sitting across from us jumped at the last sentence, looking at each other, then back to us, before mumbling something about a ‘sidebar.’ We let them have the room and after a few short minutes, Trevor and his lawyer walked out into the waiting area.


“I totally did it!” Trev-bot said, and the case was closed.

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