After months of long study on the American consumer, we have a shocking report to share with you. According to the results of thousands of hours of footage, rows and rows of data, and something called a ‘pivot table,’ we have been able to deduce the essential heart of capitalism. We have broken the beast down to its bare elements. Apparently, capitalism is nothing more than a ploy by Big TV to force us into buying bigger television sets until we die. Obviously, a TV is just a metaphor, but it most conveniently conveys the point we are trying to make.


You see, it’s just up and up and up. You know what happens when you keep going like that? You end up in outer space, not good. Unfortunately, the facts don’t lie, and a recent study found that 95% of people will buy a larger TV at least 3 times in their life. And that is average!


But like we said, it’s not just TVs is it? Bigger homes, bigger cars, bigger couches. There’s a point of diminishing returns with these big couches is all I am saying. Like, who needs it? My feet need to be on the ground when I’m chillin, you know?


And to what end? Well, the end of the world I guess if you want to really get into it. And no, I’m not being dramatic. It has been clear for decades that we are destroying the world and literally nothing has changed. Sure, we’ve come up with better ways to make ourselves feel numb and forget the reality of what is going on, but behind our fake smiles and our relentless positivity, we all know what is coming.


Our minds and our bodies were not made for this hellish Sisyphusian act of buying a bigger TV, only to buy a bigger one the next year or the next month or the next week. It never ends. The market will always produce things beyond our imagination because it demands that we relentlessly move forward in growth, no matter how malignant and unhealthy.


It is time for us to smash the machines that bind us, the ones that make us grind ourselves into pieces for the almighty dollar. Only, this has all been said before, hasn’t it? What am I adding to the conversation?


Nothing. And that’s the point. We should be allowed to contribute nothing and not worry about whether we will live or die. Have we not progressed as a society beyond this endless decay of self? ‘Something to think about,’ the report states.