BREAKING: Kansas Has Gone Missing

(Void formerly known as Kansas, USA) Hey everyone, hope you are doing well. We are reporting live from the middle of Kansas where we were planning to speak with a farmer about his invisible corn. Regrettably, the middle of Kansas is the last place anyone should be right now because 10 minutes ago, the entire state of Kansas disappeared. And not just that, but there is now a huge hole in the ground full of water where the state used to be. With us in the center of it, riding a vending machine to safety. Here is what we know.

There are a lot of us on what is now being hailed as ‘Void Lake’ who have come up with some theories about where the former state of Kansas has gone missing to. Like Carmen San Diego, the state could be literally anywhere in the world, but whatever took it left some clues for us.

The person we are sharing this vending machine with thinks that the state just decided it was done being a part of the United States, which is understandable. However, if one state was going to just get outta here, it definitely wouldn’t have been Kansas. Actually, come to think of it, I always figured that Kansas was the millstone holding us down, keeping all of the states together.

The person floating on a barrel next to us, like a full barrel you would find in a port town or some shit, thinks that the Russians stole Kansas from us. Which again, why though? But I guess we shouldn’t rule out any possibility. We’ve talked about it a lot while paddling to Oklahoma and we think that they took Kansas as a message to us that they can do whatever they want. I bet that they have it sitting in Old Chernobyl, soaking up all the bad vibes. Well we say “Keep it!”

Or, it could always be aliens. I mean, this actually seems like something they are capable of, not just an excuse to erase people of color from history.

Of course, there is always the off chance that we might never know what happened to Kansas. That said, we’ve had a long time to think about the New Kansas we want to create and we have a plan. We are going to use this as an opportunity to move forward, leaving Old Kansas behind. And if it decides to come back, well, we might not want it back.


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