The Unsettling Truth Behind D&D Character Sheets

Have you ever played D&D before? Fun, right? I’m sure your favorite part of the game was writing out your character sheet, you little nerd. Well, guess what? That character sheet was something bigger than you could ever imagine and a decision you shouldn’t have taken so light. I’m sure that you were just doing it because your friends told you too and peer pressure and all that, but you can’t take it back now. I’m sorry to tell you, but that character sheet was a pact with the devil. Not only that, but there will come a time to collect what is his – your soul.


I’m not making this up. I’m deadly serious about this because I have lost several relatives to this horrorshow that is sweeping our nation. I see it as my duty to tell you about the dangers of this game and how your children may be signing away their souls without a second thought for some self expression. Get out of here with that.


It all started back in high school when my sister Mildred became obsessed with D&D. Only, she was a lonesome child and refused to interact with other kids, so she would often play alone, conducting her stuffed animals to complete tasks in the game. The thing was, she never made a character sheet because she could take her time reading the book, which ultimately led to her having an intense knowledge of the game.


But then when college hit, everything changed. Mildred finally made a character sheet after being peer pressured by sophomores into it and the decline happened almost immediately. She started hanging out with people who smoked and listened to bands like Tame Impala. She started a Tik Tok dedicated to the doll sculpture she makes and leaves in public parks. She was clearly possessed by something immediately following her decision to write out a character sheet.


I tried to warn her, I had seen the signs, but she wouldn’t listen.


And I respect her autonomy, so I let it be. I figured, “Oh well, but we all kind of saw this coming anyway, right?” It wasn’t until she started teaching others in the family that I felt it had gone on long enough. Only, rather than seeing the error of her ways, they instead joined her, forcing me further outside of the circle.


As more of them signed these pacts with Lucifer and became obsessed with Dungeons & Dragons, the more we grew distant. None of them had time for me anymore between quests or whatever. No one wanted to hang out.


And no, this isn’t just because no one invited me.

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