Area Woman Wins Lottery, Uses Money for Necessary Medical Treatments

“Wow, what incredible timing!” were the first words out of Susan Bainbrush’s mouth after winning the lottery. But let’s start a few moments earlier, when Susan’s doctors told her that the time had come to start researching options due to her debilitating health problems. It was actually due to these problems that Susan had bought a lottery ticket in the first place. “I just thought, ‘I’m either going to have to move to another country or win the lottery’ and a lotto ticket is a lot cheaper than a plane ticket.’ Susan told us afterwards. And now with her money, she won’t have to move! Isn’t that great?

So, what kind of health problem requires a fortune to pay for? Not to get too personal on Susan’s behalf, but the problem was IBS. “It’s something she’s always managed pretty well on her own,” Susan’s doctor told us. “But it was clear that if she wanted to fully recover, more intense treatment options were going to be necessary. I’m just glad she found a way to pay for them.”

We followed up by asking the doctor what would have happened if Susan hadn’t been able to pay for the treatment. “Well, she could either just live with the chronic pain and horrid side-effects of the meds we were going to prescribe her, which cost money just less. Or, she was going to have to move to a country where healthcare isn’t quite so expensive, but who would want to leave our great country?”

It should be mentioned that the doctor in question was wearing a suit made out of one hundred dollar bills.

After consulting with Susan, we recommended she get a second opinion and went to another doctor in the same building. She told us that there were simple fixes to the problems that Susan was experiencing and that although they could be expensive, they were likely overblown and if Susan was OK with it, she could start treatments immediately.

“And don’t worry about insurance,” the new doctor told us. “We will find something that works for you.”

Completely stunned and with a fortune still to spend, Susan made her way back to Dr. Moneysuit and told him the details. “But how can you afford to work with someone else? I’m the best deal in town.”

“But you don’t take my insurance,” replied Susan. “So I’d have to pay out of pocket. Do you know how much that would cost?”

“No, I have good insurance,” replied the doctor before lighting a cigar in the waiting room they were standing in.

“Oh right, so you can afford this,’ Susan scoffed before punching him in the face.

Susan is now facing up to 5 years in prison for assault, but the good news is she’s got a hell of a legal team, so she’ll probably be fine.


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