Hi there! It’s me, your friendly and helpful weather app. I’m so excited to bring you the forecast today, I could just hop right out of this phone and become some kind of wacky animated sidekick! Don’t worry, I won’t, but I could. Regardless, I am getting off topic and today’s forecast is especially important, so I shouldn’t delay any longer. Curious why today’s forecast is such a pressing item? Well, because it is the forecast for the foreseeable future, so once I tell it to you, I’m kind of out of a job. Anyways, the long and short of it is that you probably shouldn’t go outside any time soon.


Like at least for a month, minimum. There is just all sorts of bad news out there. Regrettably, it is my job to deliver this horrid news, but I promise you that I will do so with my bravest face on.


First, it’s hot. Like, waaaaaay too hot. We got a report the other day of a kid that was making eggs on his Honda Accord. We’ve never seen anything like this and it’s only getting worse. Something about oil executives? It’s above my head, but the basic gist is stay in when the sun is out. Otherwise, it might boil you alive.


Some have called for eternal winter as a viable solution, but that’s truly a double edged sword, with one edge giving you frostbite and the other making the entire planet into a nice soup. Soup is great and all, but do you really want to spend your retirement years trying not to get broiled?


In addition the the high temperatures, there have been reports of something known as a ‘bat cloud.’ Now, if you’ve seen the movie Sharknado you will already know what I am talking about, but essentially a bat cloud is when a group of bats gets sucked into a tornado. While this is harmless and oftentimes quite fun for the bats, their velocity can rip a human to shreds in seconds. Being that we live in a world just teeming with bats, these could pop up anywhere and we’d rather not put you at risk.


So let’s see, we’ve got the heat, bat clouds, anything else we are missing? Oh right, The Swarm.


The Swarm has been getting progressively bigger for weeks now, with no signs of slowing. It’s taken over several mid-sized communities and is threatening to spread downtown. No one is quite sure what happens when The Swarm reaches you as the affected areas have been radio silent, but we don’t think it is good.


So, yeah, like we said, maybe just don’t go outside this month.