Report: Everybody is Named Nathan Now

Welcome to the new week. Brace yourselves, it’s already shaping up to be a weird one. Over the weekend, through some sort of spell, curse, or blessing (depending on how you look at it, everybody is now named Nathan. It doesn’t matter if your name was Beth, DeAngelo, Marcus, Scooter, or Fatima, your name is now Nathan. Check your birth certificate, it will now say Nathan. I wish we were kidding, especially for those of us who were already named Nathan because it is very confusing, but this is just another curveball 2020 is throwing at us. Here are the stories of a few Nathans who are already adjusting to this new life.


Nathan, formerly Jacquis, 27. Buffalo, NY. “I never thought a name Nathan would suit me, but I was wrong. I love my new name. I think it gives me a sort of elegance, I don’t know why. Thanks benevolent being that did this, I’m forever on your side.”


Nathan, formerly Emma, 54. Calgary, Alberta. “This whole thing has really put gender into a new perspective for me. I mean, with everyone named Nathan, it puts everyone on the same playing field with no hierarchy based on names. I kind of love it, why didn’t we do this before?”


Nathan, formerly Jonathan, 34. Dallas, TX. “It’s a lateral move for me, although most people go with Jonah or Jon or Johnny, not Nathan. I guess I’m the first. Still weird though.”


Nathan, formerly Rajai, 49. Santa Fe, NM. “I miss my name, I’ll be the first to admit it. But I am more concerned about how this is going to affect every day life. I mean, if you’re Nathan and I’m Nathan and everyone in my family is Nathan, how will we distinguish each other? Should we all try to revert back to our own names or use this as an opportunity to do something new? Someone please tell me so I can take the best step forward. I’m scared.”


Nathan, formerly Jeb!, 67. Swampy Pines, FL. “Maybe I can finally escape the curse that my family has been under for generations. Much to think about.”


Nathan, formerly Ashley, 13. Chicago, IL. “This is all I’ve ever wanted. Thank you Benevolent Lord! We worship thee with a clenched fist and a gritted smile. I will grin for thee upon thy arrival and present you with the fruits of my labor. I will blend in with the other Nathans, carrying out thy will until the Nathans are all on our side. I wait for thine instructions, of Great One.”


Seems like people are pretty mixed! Ain’t that just the way.

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