Area Man Who is Worried About Getting Cancelled Probably Should Be

(St. Louis, MO) When you have lived a life the way that Chad Robinson has, you learn from time to time that it is better to just go with the flow than try to cause any sort of ruckus. That said, Chad is a person who has many regrets and rightfully so, as he has done regrettable things. Lately, as someone like Chad does, he has been getting more and more paranoid about being ‘cancelled’ for some of those regrettable actions. We decided to sit down with Chad to hear his side of the story, but if we’re being honest with you, it feels like this is actually something he should be worried about.


First, some background on who Chad Robinson is. Chad grew up with two parents who were rich for mysterious reasons and got divorced in front of him on his eighteenth birthday. He attended prestigious schools followed by prestigious universities where he learned next to nothing that didn’t involve a beer or a bong of some kind. He has made some horrifying Halloween costume choices and refuses to vote for anyone that doesn’t support the death penalty.


We sat down with Chad on the front porch of his family home here in St. Louis to see exactly why he is so scared of being cancelled and what he thinks he can do about it.


“So, Chad, you’re here.”


“Yes, and so are you.”


“Yes. Now, to start things off, what does getting ‘cancelled’ mean to you?”


“Oh you know, just like when you did something more than 6 months ago and someone wants to bust your buns about it. You know?” As he said this, Chad was picking his nose with a toothpick while leaning backwards in a chair. “I just don’t want someone to bring up old shit and ruin the vibe.”


“Right, and when you say ‘old shit,’ is there anything specific you are referring to?”


“Well, there are some old pictures of me that are, well, let’s just say if I was a politician it would be a scandal. Sorry, I get really passionate about being racist on Halloween, sue me. But here’s the thing, I’m not anyone, I’m not important, so why would someone want to cancel me? That’s the part I keep coming back to.”


“So you’re saying someone is going to tease you for taking these actions at some point in your life? Is that really so bad, even if they do?”


“Yes, because stuff like that spreads. It’s not like I don’t regret those things, but what’s the big deal? I didn’t hurt anyone. Well, that’s not exactly true.”


“What do you mean?”


“Uh, you gotta leave man I forgot my Dad is about to get home and I need to wax his car.” Chad then got up and tried to shoo us away, which actually worked because he wasn’t wearing a mask and was clearly violating distancing guidelines.


In the end, we realized it was easier to talk with the people who knew Chad then Chad himself. This was when we learned the truth, all of it. And yeah, go ahead and #CancelChad without looking further into it. Trust me, it’s bad.

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