Lately, the big craze for folks all across the country has been to pack up their bags and move to Austin, TX in search of a better life and a new beginning. My family and I were no exception and we moved here ourselves a little bit less than a year ago. As someone originally from the suburbs of Trash City, I had spent most of my life pulling myself up by my bootstraps and my partner and I decided that we wanted a different experience for our youngsters. Unfortunately, Austin turned out to be anything but a paradise and now we are left with mounting regret. So, in an effort to save others from relocating without knowing the full story, here are 10 things to consider before making the big move.


1. The weather. As a nocturnal animal, I expect to emerge from my hole around 8 or 9 at night to a cool chill settling in. Ever since we moved to Austin, I haven’t once woken up to anything less than 70 degree heat. I thought the sun provided the warmth, which is why we became nocturnal in the first place.

Plus, it rains. A lot. And I’ll be the first raccoon to tell you that wet trash is way worse than dry trash.


2. No public land. Now this came as a shock, because to my understanding over 99% of Trash City is made up of public land. Meanwhile, in Austin, there are barriers everywhere that seem so random, guarding off ‘private’ land. So much for my kids having a diverse palate.


3. Nowhere to go. As a musteloid, I like to keep my feeding, breeding, and pooping separate. Back in Trash City, this was easy, considering all you had to do was make little walls of trash to cordon off the areas. But since we moved to Austin, I have been having a hard time finding places for all three. Plus, I want to have somewhere to do something else when I’m tired of the Big Three. Only, with the real estate market the way it is, you can’t do anything without pissing off the land lord. Nowhere to go and fart around. Just awful.


4. Dishonesty. Other animals tell me trash is somewhere and then I get there and just find a bunch of Trump signs. Come on man, I can’t eat that. That’s even worse than trash.


5. Yelp. And don’t even get me started on Yelp. Ugh. It’s worse than the animals pulling my leg. You’d at least expect the humans to tell you the truth. You would think you could trust a place that has 1.5 stars to have some good trash to throw away, right? Not even close.

I walked 45 minutes to this Indian restaurant and all they had was some leftover naan. I could have gotten that at HEB. Completely unreliable in this town.


6. Rudeness. Back in Trash City, people expected to see a raccoon. It was just the way life was there. Here in Austin, everyone points and stares at us. Some even take pictures of us, stealing our souls. Not like we need them, but it’s offensive to us. We have been here a lot longer than you, pal, and we’ll probably be here eating your trash long after you’re dead.


7. An opossum dystopia. I just. I can’t with them. I’ve heard that Austin isn’t representative of the rest of the state in the way they have given into these rodents’ demands, but our experience has been downright criminal. #EatTheOpossum


8. Monoculture. Along with supporting the horrid opossum bourgeois, the culture in this city seems to be completely human-centric. It’s upsetting that in 2021 we are still dealing with this. Just, we’re all animals here, y’all aren’t better than us. Your t-shirts literally say that, how are you not getting this?


9. Punitive, militaristic schools and sports. The night is our time, OK? Does the world nocturnal mean nothing to this city of jocks? Every time we try to do our night-time activities, someone is out there with a light and a generator making a bunch of noise. How are we supposed to scrounge in this sort of environment?


10. Cedar allergies. Yes, it affects us too.


Moral of the Story: Should have stayed in Trash City.