Joe Biden Tells Long-Winded Story About God Knows What

(Washington, D.C.) Last week on a trip to a local socially-distanced gathering in the D.C. area, President Joe Biden gave a speech to the crowd that had us scratching our heads. According to the White House, the speech was supposed to ‘detail President Biden’s plan to re-open America in time for the Fourth of July,’ but when the first words out of his mouth were “Howdy folks, thanks for coming to our town hall,” we knew that something was off. We noticed aides whispering to each other as he dove in, but we were transfixed by the President’s long-winded story about, well, we’re not really sure.

“My fellow Americans,” he began for the second time. “I am here today for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we are a nation under distress and it reminds me of a simpler time in my life when it was just my and my cousin Jim. We had just learned how to shoot, we were just boys, and well Jim had always been slower than his classmates, but he was a menace behind the trigger. Anyways, we were walking together to our first hunt and it was the winter, so we had to bundle up before heading out. Almost like we do today.”

As he said this, he paused to laugh to himself and others in the audience chuckled hesitantly. But it’s the President, so what are you going to do, let him bomb?

“Regardless, we were hunting and we came across this perfect tree blind. I told Jim to go ahead and climb up while I covered our tracks. Remember this was in Scranton, so we didn’t want to mess with any wildlife or other nuts out there in the thick. Hold on, excuse me.” Biden then took a second to pause and take a drink of water. “Where was I?”

It wasn’t as if he didn’t even realize we were there or anything, this seemed like the speech he was trying to give on purpose.

“Oh yeah, so Jim tells me we got a deer coming and offers me his hand. And that’s what I want us to do, America. I want us to give each other a hand. I want your help doing it.”

And with that, he left the stage. Follow by someone from the Administration that told us he would issue a press release later explaining the meaning of the story for those who weren’t quick to pick it up. All and all, a pretty good way to spend a Tuesday afternoon.

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