(Miami Beach, FL) A new report by the University of Florida Science Department has been circulating in recent weeks after the researchers came to a stunning conclusion. According to the study, the area of the American continent that we have known for the last few hundred as Florida was never supposed to be inhabited by humans in such large numbers. In fact, since the 1500s, humans have been working in direct opposition to nature by living along the beloved peninsula. And with a population of almost 22 million people, it’s becoming a safety risk that scientists are only now seeing the true magnitude of.

“It’s clear that unless we do something to reverse this soon, we could lose the entire state to the sea,” one researcher said in an interview. “This is what we get for trying to defy the gods who tried to tell us that Florida was not meant for us, but we let our hubris get the better of us and now we have only ourselves to blame.”

It’s true – if nothing is done in the next 50 years to reduce the population of Florida, it will sink so low that the tides will begin to slowly flood and take over the entire state. By 2100, the entire state will be underwater and might even take part of Georgia with it.

“Even if we had known this 50 years ago, it wouldn’t have changed what was already coming. Now, all we can do is try to evacuate as many people as we can before Disney World is below sea level and the Florida Marlins are fielding actual fish.”

Something the report did make clear was that the indigenous population that moved to Florida around 14,000 years ago are not to blame for this unfortunate outcome. “They respected the land in a way that most modern colonists could never get right. Not as if they tried.”

You see, when we say ‘no one was supposed to live there,’ that’s just for a catchy headline. What we really mean is that modern capitalists have made it impossible for most humans to live there without a catastrophic environmental failure. Sure, the bogs were meant to poison us and the wildlife was meant to keep our numbers low, but it was the factories and offshore drills that put the final nail in the coffin.

We’ll leave you with this final word from the last pages of the report. “All we can tell you is that if you live in Florida, you need to start working on your exit strategy now before it’s too late.”