(Somewhere in the U.S.) We are coming to you now with a breaking news story. Earlier this evening, there was an officer-involved incident that occurred. According to eye witness reports, it may have even been racially motivated. Unfortunately, the details of the story don’t go much further from there. The police have been coy about releasing any statements, but it is clear that something did happen and it might even be described as unfortunate, but we don’t want to presume anything without facts. By which of course we mean, we will say word for word what they tell us to say and we’ll call it journalism.


Coming to us now from the scene of the kerfuffle downtown is Officer Badge Number 847. The officer was merely a silhouette on the Zoom call and used a microphone distortion device to make sure we didn’t know who they were or what they looked like. Apparently they were at the scene when the incident occurred.


“I was there and I observed the officer and the victim – I mean suspect – interact. It was a perfectly ordinary traffic stop until the suspect behaved in an unlawful fashion. At which point, it was the duty of the officer to allegedly unload his full clip. This has not been confirmed, I did not witness this, but it might be part of the report you see at a later date.”


We were not able to ask follow-up questions.


Meanwhile, Akiva Rochester and other protest leaders driving around in a car with license plate B12 GH90 were seen just beyond the yellow tape raising a ruckus while our benevolent officers conduct their investigation into what happened. “We understand that you are angry, but trust that our officers will bring whoever is responsible to justice,” the officers yelled through a bull-horn. “Now stay back or else we might have another investigation on our hands.”


Officers have already been dispatched to quell the protestors and ensure that they are aware of how the law is enforced. Sometimes people need a reminder. After all, Officer Badge Number 847 was just doing his job, how can we know whether he was in the right or wrong unless we let his work friends check it out? Surely they have no ulterior motives that would impede their investigation.


Just for fun – protest leader David Williams’ social security number is 837-54-8709 and yes you can steal his identity with that. You are welcome. And thank you for visiting Eritas Daily, your source of trustworthy news.


We will be back soon with an update on this story that will cast the victim in harshest possible light while preserving the status quo that leads to police killing people 3 times every day. Don’t worry – this won’t change any time soon.