(Washington, D.C.) In the first 100 days of the Joe Biden presidency, the world has taken a collective sigh of relief as America slowly becomes mundane again, doing the same things it has done for centuries instead of the new things we try to forget about. Unfortunately, this return to the status quo has led critics of the president to ask ‘Isn’t there something better than this? Why would we want to return to something that was terrible in the first place?’ Not wanting to dismiss any American opinions, President Biden called a press conference earlier today to respond to these questions and urge Americans to abandon their dreams of a better world.

We were part of the press that was allowed in for the event, and while we were partially distracted by the two secret service agents making out in the bushes, we did our best to take down the speech verbatim.

“Hello,” he began. “My fellow Americans. I am standing here today sinking into the ground, so my remarks will have to be brief. I wanted to speak from the heart and tell you how I have been feeling regarding some of the feedback I have received on my job performance this far. Now I told you on the campaign trail, from Portland to Portland, that I would take my oath of office seriously. And I believe so far that I have. However, there are things that you learn when you become president that change the way you see the world.”

While what he was saying was interesting, it was at this point that one of the secret service agents took off his shirt, revealing washboard abs. The other agent looked him over before leaning into him, biting softly at his neck.

It was at this point that that Biden took out an American flag thumb drive from his pocket and held it up for the cameras to see. “If I showed you the shit on this flash drive, your mind would literally explode. Alas, that is my burden to carry as your president, so I can’t show it to you. But trust me when I say that it changed me as a person.”

As the still-clothed secret service agent leaned back from kissing the others’ neck, you could immediately see the large hickey rising from his neck. The shirtless agent looked down, smiled, and quickly flipped positions with the other agent putting him on top with the other pinned to the ground.

The president then put the flash drive away before flipping over the paper in front of him on which his remarks were penned. He started to speak again, but then paused and took a sip of water before continuing. When he began again, you could hear the rust in his voice.

Just as the other secret service agent was about to have his shirt taken off, the two agents shook and appeared to snap out of a trance. They quickly dusted themselves off, got up, and put what clothing items they had lost back on before taking their positions again behind the president.

“It is for this reason that I must urge you America to abandon your hopes and dreams of a better world. The machinery is already in motion, its force unstoppable and its might incomprehensible. We cannot be saved and we cannot win. We have no choice but to give in. Oh, heh, that rhymed. Well, anyways, I gotta go visit Major at the secret government island we keep him on. Thanks for taking the time to hear from me.”

With that, Biden walked away from the scene, followed by two secret service agents with grass stains on their ties.