Neighborhood Watch: Everyone is a Realtor Now

The following report comes from our Neighborhood Watch team, which has announced an all-points bulletin for the surrounding area due to a dramatic overnight change that is still being investigated. Here is an excerpt from the bulletin. Attention all citizens. This is an APB for the following neighborhoods: Azealea, Crabtree, Monk Rebellion, Heatdeath, and Slime. According to eye witness reports, everyone is realtors and/or real estate agents now. We are not sure if this is a permanent thing or just some grand illusion, but we will keep you posted with updates as soon as we receive. Local law enforcement encourages citizens to avoid their neighbors at all costs, as realtors are know to be predatory and often deadly in packs. Signed, your Neighborhood Watch team.

As you can tell, the situation is quite serious. We’ve been doing some digging of our own and while many believed this sudden surge in real estate licenses was simply due to the bubbling housing market, even that can’t explain the fact that members of our own team woke up today wearing a tailored blazer and khakis with a listing on Zillow already built out.

“It was if someone had stolen my identity and then signed me up for a real estate license,” a member of our writing team explained. “Seems to be more trouble than it is worth, but now that I have the license, I might as well make some extra money on the side, right? I have a few friends looking to buy, so why not help them out?”

‘Why not?’ indeed. For this has been the trap many have found themselves falling into. Unfortunately, that concept only works if you happen to be the only realtor they know. What happens when everyone you know becomes a realtor simultaneously?

We go now to a live report from the Neighborhood Watch team as they issue an update on the situation.

Our team has worked tirelessly through the night to try and understand the developing situation, but it wasn’t until this morning that we appreciated the true gravity of what is happening. Walking out the front door of our homes, we saw hundreds of neighbors and fellow citizens, each dressed in sharp outfits, trying to lure each other into various open houses. Others were seen chasing down citizens that had not been turned into real estate agents yet, trying to sell them a condo they could afford in the market. It became so competitive that the would-be client was torn apart by the mob, screaming in agony as they tried to tell him about ‘waiving the appraisal.’ Please be safe and stay in doors until the situation can be handled.

This stay at home order is now in place for all citizens in the previously mentioned neighborhoods. We urge you to stay vigilant and if you believe a member of your family has become a realtor, report your findings to the authorities as quickly and discreetly as you can.

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