New Bird Study Finds That All Grackles Are Incels

In the same way that bats are just sad, banished vampires and most waterfowl contain ancient secrets, every bird species has something that makes it unique, wonderful, and worthy of studying. While there are thousands of amateur birders out there, a select group of bird scientists are constantly working to discover more about our flying neighbors. Although most bird species have been unveiled as government spies, one mysterious species that has recently been the study of many birdicologists is the Common Grackle. Now, in a newly published bird study, bird experts from the National Bird Association (or NBA) have announced that all grackles are incels.

What’s an incel? Oh you sweet innocent child. I’m so glad you don’t know.

Incel: A member of a community that considers itself unattractive to women and ‘involuntarily celibate,’ typically associated with views that are hostile toward women and other men who are sexually active.

So, how can a grackle be an incel? We’re glad you asked.

According to the study, grackles are one of the most unique bird species out there, because no birds are hatched as grackles. Instead, grackles are formed through a bizarre process of trying and failing to find a mate as another bird species and then slowly turning a dark shade of black and purple to signify a death of passion.

“You see, there’s been a bizarre shift in the bird population where there are lots more females in a species than males. What this leads to is a large percentage of the bird population being without a mate,” a scientist in the study explained. “While some birds have been seen to form male to male bonds or female to female bonds as a way to survive, others abandon all hope after being rejected once and devote themselves to a life of celibacy as a grackle. This is, of course, why grackles are so f—ing annoying.”

Apparently, rather than live without a mate, these birds are committing evolutionary suicide and changing their entire cellular structure to become as vicious and mean as possible. Ever been dive-bombed by a bird at the supermarket? 9 times out of 10, it’s a grackle.

“We’re not sure how long this has been happening or if there is anything we can do other than observe,” another scientist explained. “Nature truly is a marvelous thing, is it not? That we can live in a world where something like this lives right under our noses, in full view, and we’re surprised when someone gets hurt.”

This is in reference to the rising number of bird attacks that has been sweeping the nation the last few months. It seems that when the birds flew south for the winter, grackles used that as an opportunity to recruit new followers. Now, more grackles than ever are being seen well outside their typical habitats and are taking aggressive action against both birds and humans.

Thankfully, the NBA has some advice to help prevent grackle groups from swarming your neighborhood: “Buy a bird feeder. It’s like opening a singles bar for birds. The more birds mate, the less grackles you’ll have. It’s simple bird science.”

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