Local Church ‘Celebrates’ Pride Month

(Somewhere in America) Hello, dear brothers and sisters, and welcome to today’s service. Now, today is a special day because it marks the first time in our church’s history that we are going to be acknowledging and celebrating Pride Month, as it is called. I know that some of you out there are worried about this, that our church has lost its way, but we want to emphasize that although we will have a rainbow flag up outside and will try to use more inclusive language, nothing will fundamentally change here at Holy Jesus Church and Events Center. Still, we know that you have questions about this, which is why we wanted to set aside some time to address them.

First question – Does this mean we will now be performing LGBTQ+ marriages within the church? Absolutely not. While we do not shame our same-sex-attracted brothers and sisters for living in sin, there is something known as the separation of church and state. Which for us means that we are under no obligation to host such events, no matter what the supreme court says.

Second question – How can I be friends with gay people when they want to live full lives? This is a tough one and something we have been struggling with ourselves. We know that as American Christians, opposing the gay agenda has always been high on our priority list, so most of us don’t have any gay friends to reach out to. However, even though we don’t agree with how they live their lives, it’s no longer socially acceptable to write them off completely, so try your best to form friendships with gays that you see out and about. Who knows? Maybe you are the person they are looking for to bring them back to God.

Third question – As a part of the LGBTQ+ community, what is my place in the church? This is a tough one. While we won’t judge you for what you do outside of the church, inside the church is Daddy’s Home and there are different rules underneath his roof. We do require out LGBTQ+ employees to take a vow of celibacy if they want to be a part of our church. While we can see how this might be ‘old-fashioned’ or ‘a direct affront to gay individuals,’ we are only looking for people who will be so committed to the role that they will forgo their own personhood. After all, that’s what Jesus told us to do.

Fourth question – Is being LGBTQ+ contagious? As far as we can tell, it’s not something that can be spread to others. Even so, we recommend that if you see your child listening to Lil Nas X or JoJo Siwa, you contact us immediately to find out more about our special summer camps.

Fifth question – What is the church doing to celebrate Pride Month? The bare minimum to stay culturally relevant.

We hope that we were able to answer your questions and look forward to seeing you back next for our new sermon series in July, God is an American.

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