Jeff Bezos Renames Blue Origin Rocket ‘Icarus’ Ahead of July Launch

Next month, Jeffrey Preston Bezos alongside a crew made up of trained professionals, a contest winner, and his brother Mark will launch into space in Blue Origin’s first manned launch. Don’t believe us? Read this excerpt from CNN: Jeff Bezos will be flying to space on the first crewed flight of the rocket ship made by his space company, Blue Origin. The flight is scheduled for July 20th, just 15 days after he is set to resign as CEO of Amazon. And while this will solidify his place as King of the Billionaires, many have doubts about this action that will likely only grow after the newest announcement we just received. Apparently, Bezos has decided to rename the rocket from New Shepherd to ‘Icarus’ ahead of the July 20th launch.

“Why not have fun with it?” the billionaire asked the press conference he held in one of his 27 bathrooms. “I’m already at the top of the world, but this next act will show the world – nay, the galaxy – that Jeffrey Bezos is not to be messed with. When I return, that is when the real work begins.”

Never one to make an ominous statement with any follow-up whatsoever, Bezos had a group of Amazon Drones escort us from the bathroom after these prepared remarks to avoid answering questions. But so many questions remain.

We tried reaching out to Amazon customer support to see if they could help us, but all we received was a note written out of old newspaper clippings that said ‘Help me out of this box.’ We tried reaching out to the Blue Origin PR team, but all they told us was that ‘Everything is going according to plan.’ We even tried to ask Mackenzie Scott, Bezos’ ex-wife, what she thought of the launch, but all we got was a message on our voicemail that contained one long, 30-second stretch of laughter.

Then, while we were doing some digging we found that Bezos has zero scheduled events following the launch. Despite the fact that leading up the the 20th his schedule is completely full, with only 7 minute breaks for him to catch his breath, the second half of his year is completely blank.

We believe that this could mean two possible things. One is that Bezos doesn’t intend to return. Whether due to death or hitching a ride on a space station, it is possible that Bezos long ago grew tired of the Earth and has no plans to come back. The second, more worrisome possibility is that Bezos has an equally packed schedule set up for his return but it is being kept secret for fear of widespread panic. We are leaning more on option two, because knowing Bezos, he will no longer have any ties to reality upon visiting space. He will truly become ungovernable.

I guess we’ll just have to all collectively hold our breath on July 20th and see what happens. For all our sake, let’s hope it’s option one.


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