Kamala Harris Vows to be the First Vice President to go Undercover

(Washington, D.C.) Upon returning from her trip abroad, Vice President Kamala Harris announced she would be holding a press conference from her residence the following afternoon to discuss ‘matters of national security.’ As part of the press corp, we knew this could mean literally anything, but we showed up at the appointed time nonetheless. As we milled about, waiting for the presser to begin, we all threw out guesses as to what the Veep would be discussing. Safe to say, looking back now, none of us were even close. Just as we were about to ask them if they thought we would be getting free food later, Vice President Harris took the stage sporting glasses and a mustache. It wasn’t until she spoke that we even realized it was her.

“Hello, and thank you for coming. I am here under direction of the President and I have some important news.” Taking a dramatic pause, Harris adjusted her glasses and mustache before continuing. “As you may have noticed, I am in disguise for this press conference as a way to display the information I am about to tell you. You see, over the course of my term as Vice President, I intend to do something never before done by the holder of this office. I intend to go undercover.”

Waiting again for a response, the press corp only mumbled questions to each other like ‘did she say undercover?’ and ‘to what end?’ Hearing this, the Vice President continued. “You see, there are forces larger than the United States at work in our world. There are people, unlike POTUS and I, who do not have your best interests at heart. They wish to do you harm. It was only upon my bequeathment into office that I was even alerted to the presence of these foes and I need for you to trust me when I say this is a matter of life and death.”

Still confused, all of us in the press corp decided simultaneously to ask some obvious questions like ‘again, what?’ and ‘doesn’t announcing this negate the whole idea of going undercover?’ Undeterred, she persisted. “I am going to be doing what is known as a temporal pincer maneuver, where I will be traveling forward in time while a future Vice President travels backward in time. It’s all very complicated, but being undercover throughout is vital to the completion of the mission. So, if you see me around, no you didn’t.”

And with that, the press conference was brought to an abrupt end as Vice President Harris was escorted by Secret Service agents to an unspecified location. Still shocked and unsure what to do, we all waited for someone to come get us, but apparently they had forgotten to unlock the doors. A few hours later, a janitor found us and we were allowed to leave.

You heard it here first folks, the Veep is going undercover to save us from the future. And I for one salute her.

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