Names are a funny thing, aren’t they? No? Oh, well then we don’t have a story for you. But if you think names are weird, stick around and we’ll prove you right. Today, we are meeting with eight men we found online who go by the name ‘Gregg’ with two Gs. Until this experiment, most of these men were under the impression that their name was diminutive of Gregory or Gregor, same as a normal one G Greg, with some even showing us their birth certificates as proof. It’s common to react this way when faced with information that goes against your current thinking. However, we took it upon ourselves to tell them directly that their name is actually short for ‘Great Egg’ and capture their responses.

Here is how it went.

Gregg 1: The first Gregg we told took the news well. He immediately called his husband, Stevven, and told him that he needed to tell him something. We didn’t want to eavesdrop, but Gregg looked pretty dejected when he hung up. We led him to our Gregg waiting area so we could get a group response at the end of the process.

Gregg 2: On the other hand, Gregg 2 did not take it well and told us we were ‘pissing on his family’s history,’ which we felt was dramatic. He was quickly escorted to the same waiting area where he promptly tried to break out, but found soon there was no way out.

Gregg 3: Gregg 3 was unfazed and asked us ‘Is that all?’ before moving on to the next room.

Gregg 4: Gregg 4 was an interesting one. Until recently, this Gregg had been going by his middle name, Phillip. That is, until someone else at his job named Phillip got promoted, at which point he found it easier to change his name back to Gregg. He didn’t seem perturbed by what we told him, although he did start screaming ‘who am I? WHO AM I?’ when we lead him to the Gregg holding pen.

Gregg 5: This Gregg, Gregg 5, was a handful. This was partially our fault because the only way we could get him to show up was to tell him there was all you could eat shrimp at the testing center. When he found out this was a lie, he lost it and didn’t even care when we told him about being named ‘Great Egg.’ Due to the threat of violence, Gregg 5 was restrained and tossed into a solitary Gregg room until he could behave.

Gregg 6: By this point, the Gregg’s seemed to have figured out what was happening, as they had simply introduced themselves before entering and figured out they all had the same name. So when we told Gregg 6 about this, he told us ‘Yeah I figured – but why do you need us? Seems like this could have been an email.’ Since he was the first one who asked, we showed him what we were planning and then led his catatonic body into the next room.

Gregg 7: Gregg 7 was one of my closest childhood friends and the reason I even became interested in this whole Gregg scenario in the first place. He was surprised when I told him, but then said ‘that makes sense,’ before showing us his swelling belly. We let him leave out of the side entrance, realizing he wasn’t in the state we needed for the transformation.

Gregg 8: The final individual Gregg we told lifted his hands in the air and shouted ‘Praise Jesus!’ He then told us that Gregg 8 had been named for his father Gregory, who was a real piece of work, and that now he felt like he could wear the name Gregg with pride again and without the constant reminder of where he came from. He was smiling as we lead him into the next room.

Gregg ∞: Once we had the 7 remaining Greggs in one room, we told them our plan. Most of them were shocked, appalled, and wanted to see a lawyer. Only Gregg 6 seemed ready for what was to come. We then arranged all of the Greggs in a circle, turned off the lights, and start to chant the ancient melody. Soon, each of the Greggs began to hatch, their flesh sloughing off of their bodies into a pile, their bones and organs connecting into one form. As they formed into a large egg shape, their mouths came together and uttered ‘THE ANCIENT ONE HAS AWAKENED AND WE ARE THOSE CHOSEN TO BRING THEM FORTH. IT IS A GREAT HONOR TO BE A GREGG. IT IS OUR LIFE’S PURPOSE TO BRING FORTH THE LAST GREGG, THE ONE WHO WILL TAKE US INTO OBLIVION. REPENT. REPENT!’

So, you know, a pretty normal Wednesday all in all.