Report: Big Vampire Lobbyists are the Reason Why We Still Observe Daylight Savings

(Somewhere in Pennsylvania) Twice, every year, people around the country are subjected to the strange quasi-holiday known as Daylight Savings. In these glorious moments, we come together as a society to turn our clocks backward in the Fall and forward in the Spring, creating a non-zero sum game. Yet, despite its historic roots in farming and capitalism, modern Americans are sick and tired of making the days even shorter in the winter and many have sought to eliminate Daylight Savings entirely. In fact, only 28 percent of the population wants to keep changing the clocks, so why do we continue? Big Vampire lobbyists, that’s why.

Yes, you read that correctly. According to a recently published report, a decent amount of dark money has been injected into the pockets every single congressperson in order to maintain this bizarre status quo. The people funding these dark money groups? Vampires.

“I almost couldn’t believe it,” one researched on the report told us candidly. “I didn’t know vampires existed, much less had so much sway on our elected officials. Could you imagine what they could do if they cared about other issues beyond having extra time each night to gallivant around? It’s not fun to think about.”

It’s true. Although these groups and lobbyists are working day and night on our officials, they are only doing so for one cause: to maintain Daylight Savings time. And we’re not talking about a small amount of money, either. In just the last 10 years they spent over 200 million dollars on this project.

“Our clients are highly secretive and highly discerning with where they spent their money,” one lobbyist replied when we asked why they were pushing so hard on this. “But to them, the longer the night the better. It gives them a lot more time for activities such as sacrificing virgins and playing baseball, something very important to their culture. Should we deny them these rights? Are they not Americans like you and I?”

The oddest part is that this plot seems to be paying off for them. There are currently no plans to introduce legislation that would change the way we observe Daylight savings and they see this as a victory.

Either that or our government is so ineffective that we can’t even pass something with broad bipartisan support for positive change.


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