(Austin, TX) If you’ve been keeping up with the news this week, it seems as though all you hear is Elon Elon Elon Twitter Ukraine Climate Change is Almost Unavoidable Elon Tesla Stock Elon. But why is that the case? Why is Elon Musk suddenly the center of attention yet again? Some of you might be thinking that it is due to his attempt to purchase Twitter for close to $43 billion dollars, which is definitely something worth talking about, but you would be wrong. The real reason Musk has taken over the internet is due to a recent award he gave to himself, Number #1 Boy.
Today, we want to tell you more about this award and the inaugural ceremony where it was bestowed upon Mr. Musk, which we were lucky enough to be invited to and attend.
Let us set the scene. We were picked up from our home in Austin by an all-black Tesla Model X and blindfolded with Boring Company sleep masks last Saturday around 6pm. The ride was longer than we expected and when the blind fold was removed, we found ourselves inside of a large warehouse, still inside the car alongside hundreds of other identical Model Xs. Our driver then told us were free to exit the vehicle and once we were out of the car, he locked the doors behind us and put up a sun screen across the front windshield, even though we were inside.
As we began to shuffle forward toward the only light source, which was coming from an elevated stage at the end of the line of Teslas, we met eyes with others emerging from their vehicles and shrugged at each other as it became clear no one had been given instructions.
Once the majority of the people from the cars got to the front near the elevated stage, we began to cluster together and look around the room now that we could see better. From the stage, it was clear that the room we were in was even bigger than we originally thought, with no visible walls, only a ceiling rising out of the void in all directions. We were starting to grow concerned when all of a sudden the song ‘The Boys are Back in Town‘ began to blare from a nearby loudspeaker set up on stage. It was at this moment that a figure rose from beneath the stage, wearing a large black cowboy hat.
As we tried to make out who was on stage, a wrestling announcer voice boomed over the music, “Greetings one and all to the Number #1 Boy competitionnnnnn!” With this, the stage erupted with flames and a lights display as it was revealed that Elon Musk was standing on stage, wearing a cowboy hat and holding both hands in the air, completely in a state of bliss.
The announcer continued: “Greetings, fellow beings. We, on behalf of the Tesla Corperation, want to express our deepest gratitude for attending this event and for making the ultimate sacrifice. You were hand selected to participate in this competition and we wish you the best of luck.” During this announcement, Musk was on stage making strange hand signals that were *almost* a thumbs up, but not quite. “Our competition is about to begin, are you ready to rumbleeeeeeeee.”
Once more the lights went off, only this time the music continued. Seconds later across the floor to our right another spotlight shone down on a large pyramid structure that appeared to be made out of some sort of metal. At the top stood Musk, having moved at lightning speed to his new location. Unsure of what to do, we began to shuffle over towards the display as Musk motioned for someone to give him a microphone.
“Greetings, my lovely co-competitors. The first of our three games is simple enough: King of the Hill. All you have to do is simply remove me from the top of this pyramid and you will win. Sounds simple enough, right?” Some of us grumbled in the affirmative, but most were unsure how to react. Before anyone could ask further questions, a large countdown clock appeared behind Musk as he yelled ‘Begin!’
With next to no warning, a sea of bodies began pushing toward the base of the pyramid, sweeping the unprepared forward with them. It was only as we drew closer that we realized the pyramid was completely smooth, with nothing to hold on to. Coupled with the fact that the pyramid was close to 40 feet tall, the challenge now seemed impossible, as the countdown clock began to tick downward from 5 minutes.
“We have to work together!” someone began shouting from nearby. Soon, there was a base of people forming a cheerleading pyramid, with others climbing up to add the next layer while others stayed at the bottom to form the foundation. Soon, the makeshift human pyramid was a little over halfway to the top, with 2 minutes left on the clock.
This whole time, Elon looked down at us from his place at the top, at first with glee and then concern as the mass of humans rose closer to the pinnacle. It was just as someone was getting within 10 feet of the top that he revealed that he was holding a Boring Company Flamethrower. As he pointed the weapon sold by his company down at the topmost climber, shouts of fear rose from beneath him, causing the entire pyramid of bodies to collapse.
As people tried to help others up and make sure everyone was OK, the clock hit 0 and the announcer returned. “The winner of our first competition is.. Elon Musk!” prompting a voice from the crowd of tangled bodies to yell, “What is this? How were we supposed to beat him?” but it was drowned out by the loud sounds of an airhorn being played over the speakers.
The second game was a tightrope walk, but Musk had scissors at the other end for when someone got too close. The third was a race around a track built within the warehouse, only Musk was using a Tesla while the rest of us had to share three Honda Civics. Despite the clear advantages, in each competition, he was almost bested, only to pull out some trick at the end to make him the clear winner.
As each of us made our way back to the main stage, some bruised from the pyramid and others with broken bones and fractures from the race, we realized that were nothing but fodder used to make him feel better. Murmurs went through the crowd about what we wanted to do to Musk if we could get our hands on him, but just as they were materializing into actual threats, he appeared once again on the main stage.
“Thank you everyone for coming out to help me celebrate my 30th birthday. I have always wanted to host a Number #1 Boy competition and you all made that possible. Now, leave.”
Before we could understand what was happening, the fog machines next to the stage began to emit some sort of gas. The next thing we knew, we were back in the same Tesla Model X we had arrived in, being dropped off back at our homes. As I tried to comprehend what had just happened, I reached into my pocket and found a coupon that read:
Thank you for attending Mr. Musk’s birthday party. This coupon is good for 5% off your next Tesla purchase. Offer expires 12/31/2022.