In a shocking turn of events following last week’s Muslim bans, President Trump has now issued a ban on white males already living in the United States.
Sources close to the president reported that an activist fairy struck Trump with a combination of magical reason-inducing potion and a hypnotic spell that aired during his nightly four hours of television watching. In one minute, Trump was tweeting furiously about SNL’s depiction of him, and in the next he was retweeting Shaun King and asking about systemic injustice in the prison system.
Over the course of the night, Trump had a new vision for how to run America: “I’ve come to realize that the greatest fear America should have is of white males, both those who commit the majority of mass shootings and higher level corporate criminals who pillage the livelihood of common American citizens every day. There’s actually no evidence that refugees are causing any harm.”
Trump’s goons were understandably shocked by his words, and attempted to bring him into the White House movie room where they now show D.W. Griffith’s racist 1915 film Birth of a Nation on 24-hour loop. When they got to the room, however, Trump had switched out the old Birth reel with a laptop streaming Ava DuVernay’s 13th, a documentary that examines the criminalization of African-Americans throughout America’s history.
“Look at this,” he prodded his staff, “do you see how racism and xenophobia keeps people like us in power?” Sources said that Chief Racist Steve Bannon, when forced to watch the film, began melting before finally collapsing into a pile of old Nazi swastika patches.
“We’re gonna take all the white males out of America,” Trump said in his televised statement late Sunday night, where he not only allowed media in the room, but promised The New York Times to buy every American a lifetime subscription to promote literacy and accurate reporting.
“All of them,” he continued. “Time and again they are responsible for the state-sanctioned police killings of black bodies, and let me tell you something, we’re not gonna stand for it anymore! We’re not gonna let another Columbine happen, another Aurora happen, another Charleston, you name it. It. Ends. Now.”
Reporters from CNN were the only news outlet allowed to ask questions at the event, and asked whether this meant that Trump would also ban himself from America.
“You betcha,” he responded with gusto. “I may not have caused the division in America, but I certainly exploited it to my benefit. I have been guilty of everything under the sun except compassion, and you can bet I’m gonna get on the first plane outta here as a show of my tremendous good will. You betcha.”
Many of the protestors who showed up in droves to resist Trump’s now-defunct Muslim ban offered to give white males they knew rides to the airport to expedite the process of ridding them from perpetuating further harm to the American people.
The Supreme White Man’s March has been scheduled by twice-punched neo-Nazi Richard Spencer for this Saturday, saying now is not the time to undo centuries worth of white supremacy. Other paranoid men have urged white males to go into immediate hiding a la Anne Frank, but many refuse to read the writings of “a non-Christian” and thus don’t understand the reference.
This article was written by Ben Taylor who wishes that he could become a teapot like in Beauty and the Beast in order to solidify his place as “most niche rapper of all time.” Follow him for more @therealbenshady