Neighborhood Watch: Missing Person Posters



A Neighborhood Watch has been issued for all citizens. Attention has been drawn to the increasing number of missing person flyers that have been popping up around the city. While the Watch typically defers these specific matters to the officers of the Cabinet of Misplaced Realities, a peculiarity concerning the “last seen” dates on these flyers has brought this matter under our jurisdiction. That is to say, that citizens have reported that the dates listed on these flyers as when the persons in question were last seen, are dates that have not yet come to pass.


This detail was first reported by local barista Tabitha Blenn, who, after the flyer had hung on the bulletin board of her coffee shop for a week and a half, idly investigated it only to find that the day the person had supposedly last been seen, June 12th, 2017, wouldn’t come for over 2 months.


“It was strange to say the least,” Blenn recalled. “It was clearly a photocopy, which was expected, but there were these faint boxes drawn around each block of text as if the space they’d take up had been planned for in a template. Pretty sloppy lines, too.”


As more flyers began appearing on bulletin boards, telephone poles, restaurant menus, and other typical places, the mystery of the dates and the strange forms of the flyers themselves began to unsettle many residents. Cody Donder, an independent singer/songwriter and sofa-sleeper remarked that all the flyers he’s seen have been typed and printed cleanly onto unfolded napkins, tattered tapestries, and the backs of business cards for Link’s Shoe Shack.


Viewing the ominous nature of the flyers as a threat, many schools locked down for weeks on end with the students still inside. “We haven’t seen all the flyers out there,” commented Principal Kind of Apollo Smite Intermediate, “but we know there’s bound to be some student on one of them, and when their ‘last seen’ date comes and goes, we’ll be able to say they were right here the whole time!”


Neighborhood Watch officers have recovered and conducted interviews with two citizens whose dates have already passed, and who, indeed, were not seen on said dates.


The first, Dee Lynski, longtime resident of the carting district, recalls that on December 2nd, 2016, (the date listed on her flyer as “last seen”) she filed the report for a certain high-profile case that her legal firm had recently closed. Ms. Lynski describes in detail the particularities of stamping, signing, and swapping the proper DNA samples associated with the final stages of the firm’s filing protocol. When Watch officers examined the documents in question to verify Lynski’s claims, they found that every detail she’d described was accurate to a tee, with the exception of the date one which she claimed it had occurred. The report is marked throughout as having been filed June 14th, 2016, not December 2nd.


When Omar Roskin attempts to think back on his disappearance date of December 20th, 2016, all that he can remember are exhaustive details and their associated emotions of his 8th birthday, which occurred on March 5th, 1982. “Margot still got to come even though she shoved me down the day before on the playground. I still have the scab here on my elbow,” Mr. Roskin attempted to show Watch officers, only to find his elbow unscathed, as it had been for the past 34 years.


As the Neighborhood watch works jointly now with the Cabinet of Misplaced Realities on this case given these new testimonies, we remind everyone to pay no mind to the flyers littering the open public spaces that you frequent. Perhaps now more than ever: the only way to know (and protect) thy neighbor is to watch them.


This article was written by professional missing person, Kevin Harrington-Bain. Follow him for more on Twitter @kkevinb

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