You may have heard the news that Monday President Trump signed a new executive order that if one regulation is passed, two must be rescinded. Many commented that the order sounded eerily similar to a game of Twister or Monopoly or any other confusing game involving a lot of seemingly arbitrary instructions.
It turns out that this is just what Trump was going for, and will continue to do in all future executive orders. “I am a huge fan of board games,” the President said in a TMZ exclusive. “Ever since I realized how difficult and boring reading was, I decided to throw myself into games that require little mental stretching. When I became president, I said, ‘Hey, here’s a way to make my love of gaming something everyone can do.’”
Some of the game-based instructional executive orders POTUS plans to sign in the upcoming weeks include baby steps toward implementing some of his campaign promises. For instance, every time a reputable news source tweets a fair criticism of Trump, or what he deems “fake news,” he will charge said news source for five bricks in his wall along the U.S.-Mexico border. “It’s just a very, very, very fun way of paying for the wall,” he said. “And they’ll get paid back! So I’m being very fair to them. Very fair. Trust me, Mexico will pay them back in the long run.”
Other executive orders seem less likely to affect normal American citizens. One order will be that every time human stock photo Paul Ryan takes credit for a Trump initiative, he has to “filibuster for a week,” which Trump describes as a “hilarious” game where Ryan is not allowed to sit for an entire week lest he be fired.
“Can you imagine?” Trump snorted, like a pig rolling around in orange spray tan. “I’ve fired people for much less, much much less, so he knows I’ll do it! He knows I mean business.”
Of course, some of the executive orders are likely to strike a familiar tone of fear when revealed to the public. Professional liar Sean Spicer accidentally publicly tweeted one truth he meant to send in a private message: “anything Obama accomplished we’re going to take credit for, unless we don’t like it, in which case we’ll undo it and blame Obama for the damage it causes.”
This particular order may sound less like a game and more like what Trump has already done in his first weeks in office. But you know what they say about honesty in these times: go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200, you journalist scum.
This article was written by Ben Taylor who keeps hoarding all of the sheep and won’t take any of my ore, jerk. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady