I am So Sad, So Very Very Sad. Please Give Me an Oscar by Casey Affleck



Here’s the thing, okay? I am tired of being Ben Affleck’s brother, I am my own person. I am Casey Affleck, damnit, and I am so sad. So sad, in fact, that I think I deserve an Oscar. So, Academy, this is me asking politely, for an Oscar. Please.


You may be asking yourself, “but why do you deserve an Oscar?” Well first of all, um, I am white? I thought that was pretty obvious. I saw this hashtag going around on Twitter talking about #OscarsSoWhite that I figured, being a white dude, I had a shoe in for the nom and hopefully the win. I mean, did you see my movie? I was super sad in it.


I also have been accused of sexual assault and harassment by multiple women. Do you know how many Oscar winners have had the same thing happen? Roman Polanski, Woody Allen, the list goes on and on. I hope that I was sad enough to join the ranks of these legends.


Oh, you haven’t seen my movie? Well then, let me give you a brief synopsis. First off, spoilers coming up. Basically, I am just your average dude, you know? I work as a janitor for some apartment buildings, I am divorced, and I am an alcoholic. So, clearly, a very relatable character to wide audiences. Now, I get this call from my brother, right? And he tells me that he is in the hospital, which totally bums me out. This is the part where I really show just how sad I can be. I just mope around for a bit. It’s really pretty good, if you ask me.


Anyway, I hesitate to go back to my hometown because my ex-wife is there and boy is she a drag. I might have, you know, killed our children 5 years earlier, but like, that was forever ago. But don’t worry, I am still sad about it. A lot of the sadness of my character comes from this event, but it’s a double edged sword because it doesn’t let me go home and it forces me to get into fights with random dudes at bars. Whatever, that happens to everyone, right?


So, I decide to go home to Manchester-on-the-Sea, which, surprise, is the title of the film. See, now we are getting somewhere. However, I get there too late and my brother has died. Yeah, talk about sad. Wow. I literally almost cried reading the script, way more than when I accidentally burned down my own house with my kids inside. This is my brother we are talking about.


Now, up until this point, the movie has been mainly about me, which is great. Probably the best part of the movie is the first part where I get drunk a lot, that’s where you really see me at my saddest. The next part of the film, however, is mainly about this kid I have to take care of, my brother’s son. He’s your typical teenager, right? He has two girlfriends that don’t know about each other, he’s in a band, and his dad is dead. Pretty relatable, right? Yeah I thought so too. Apparently, in the will, I am now his permanent legal guardian, which is a weird choice considering what happened to my biological kids. I think that is what is called dramatic irony, but I am not sure. I’ll ask Ben next time I see him.


So yeah, this kid and I try our best to get along, but you know how kids are. It’s tough. This makes me sad, because I don’t have my own kids and now I have this new kid who is a handful. Look, I was fine being a janitor with no kids, that was the sad boy life all men want. Now I have all these responsibilities and my ex-wife, well she’s around, but I don’t really care about her.


Oh right, I forgot, there is this boat. Yeah, a boat that the kid and I have to fix up because it was left to him by his dad. So we bond, and we have a good time with that, and I get kind of sad because I never fully processed the fact that I am the reason for my kids dying. So we have a funeral for my brother, which is super-duper sad, like the most sad scene you have ever peeped with your own eyeballs. Then, after the scene, we get on the boat, just like we did at the beginning of the movie, and this kid and I are sad on the boat. Yeah, that’s about it. Pretty much the greatest movie ever made.


So, Academy, I am asking you to please give me an Oscar for my portrayal of a very sad man that has to deal with responsibility. I think it’s pretty good. I am asking you to look past any short-comings I have, like the multiple sexual abuse lawsuits that I am dealing with, and the fact that all of my character’s problems were created by his own foolishness. I also want you to look past all of the actors up for this category, because while they may have given dynamic performances, were any of them as sad as me? I think you already know the answer. All you need to know is that the director told me to be sad and I was, the end.


Of all of the actors up for Best Actor, I was the saddest. Remember that when you vote.


This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is #TeamBen forever. Have you seen Gone Girl? Enough said. Follow for more on Twitter @NPEllwood

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