EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Jimmy Kimmel Explains his Trouble with Names.

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In an exclusive interview with Oscars host Jimmy Kimmel, Eritas got to the bottom of Jimmy’s issue with names that are “unnatural” to him.

Interviewer: Jimmy… Jimothy… James… may I call you James?

Jimmy Kimmel: Uhh. I’d rather you not.

I: Okay, sure. Is everything alright, Jimmy?

J: Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just, I don’t like being called J— Ja— that other name.

I: Okay, sorry about that. I just find it somewhat odd that a grown man goes by the name of Jimmy. Also isn’t it weird that out of the maybe ten white males allowed to host late night shows that there are two JimmysHard to keep straight, if you ask me. Especially when both are relatively mediocre when it comes to talent. 

J: Look, when I was born, my parents named me… that other name. They called me that for awhile, but when I learned to speak at the age of 10, I couldn’t wrap my head around the name. Why does a one-syllable name need five letters? It makes no sense. Rod, Ben, Al, Bo. These names make sense. Three letters are all a one-syllable name needs, maybe four occasionally, but that’s only in certain cases.

I: I see. So, where did the name Jimmy come about?

J: Well, my parents picked up on my issue with that other name because every time they said it I would start screaming out “MATT DAMON,” which is really weird because I did not meet Matt until years into my adulthood. Anyway, my parents decided to come up with a rhyme that made it easier for me to deal with the confusing and dark world of weird names. Jimmy Kimmel. The world finally made sense.

I: You seem to have trouble when names you’ve never heard are presented to you. For instance, last night you had a lot of trouble with the name Yulree, the girl who you surprised with celebrities and then shamed on national television.

J: Yeah, and I felt bad for that, but the problem was that her name sounded like “jewelry,” which is a thing, but I was talking to her, a person. A person is not a thing. I have to tell myself that every day because that’s what women say to me when they meet me and tell me the Man Show was… uhh… sexy?

I: Sexist.

J: Huh?

I: Nevermind. You spent a lot of the broadcast saying Mahershala Ali’s name over and over again. A lot of people say that’s why the broadcast went over 2 hours. What was happening there?

J: In school I got into a lot of trouble for mispronouncing my teachers’ names. For some reason, they were all really hard to pronounce. Smith…er…son. An…ders. And… others. My parents taught me that if I say a person’s name 100 times within four hours, I’ll get it down. I was just trying to respect Ma…her…sha…la. And also not freak out because someone different than me was getting attention. That always spooks me.

I: Sure. I can see how in your mind that might make sense. Finally, you seem especially drawn to letting the world know that you and Matt Damon are friends. Any reason?

J: Matt is a good, clean, natural name. It’s so easy to say. Matt. Matt. Matt. I can say it a million times in a day and never get tired of it. Sometimes I dream my last name is Damon, so that my real first name can actually rhyme with my last name. J— Ja—Jame Damon. Ugh. So close! Anyway, my show is on tonight and I have people with real names on. Check it out!

*Eritas Daily does not recommend tuning in to Jimbo Kernal’s show unless you like watching parents torture their kids or celebrities read mean tweets about themselves, but you can catch that later on YouTube*

This article was written by Ben Taylor, who has an easy to say name. Phonetically it is said like sly/mmm/will/ru/le/ove/r/all, but most people just call him Ben. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady

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