In an impromptu speech at Kennedy Space Center late Sunday morning, President Trump visited NASA engineers to congratulate them on the recent findings of seven new planets in a not-too-distant galaxy.
There was only one problem with his speech: President Trump never mentioned planets, much less galaxies or even space for that matter.
In a sprawling hour and thirty-eight minute speech, Trump continued to harp on a few points he seemed bent on emphasizing: “You know, I’ve seen a number of things happening in terms of discoveries, lots of discoveries. Lot of good discoveries. And, you know, what I also see is the failing New York Times taking big dumps on discoveries I’ve made about how to save the economy.”
While space engineers initially were on the edge of their seats to hear Trump mention their discovery of what scientist Beatrice Vail called “seven freaking new planets! How else can I say it?” They eventually gave up hope as Trump continued to verge on planet talk but never quiet got there.
“There’s obviously a reason for me being here today, we’ve got some very exciting things to talk about,” Trump continued. “And I wish I could enjoy them as much as you, but I just saw that CNN is continuing to run a smear campaign about me, and it is very unfair. Very unfair. And you know, that’s not the reason we’re here today. I just thought it was worth mentioning. Also, I won the electoral college by a landslide, and would’ve run my campaign differently if I needed to, but I didn’t have to. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you would’ve gone to other places if you thought you were going to find something, you know, but that’s how it goes. Big deal.”
Bill Ashton, who has worked for NASA as a janitor for over 40 years, said the speech was like unclogging a toilet for hours and knowing the only way to fix it would be to fire the person responsible and have the bathroom condemned by the health inspector. “Listen, I’ve cleaned a lot of toilets over the years,” Bill explained, “and there are some things that just don’t flush. I could tell that speech wasn’t going anywhere as soon as the orange hole started to make word-shaped noises.”
Engineer Laura Temple said she has seen a lot of failed launches, but none quite as painful as Trump’s speech. “I had very supportive parents growing up,” Laura said, “so I’ve never known what it’s like to have a parent come to your game and not say anything after you won. Now I know.”
When Trump finally finished talking, he allowed one question from a confirmed conservative NASA employee, who sources claim was actually just Paul Ryan wearing a mustache and glasses. “Umm, yes, thank you, Mr. Trump. My colleagues say that there are seven new planets, but I think they’re spinning a false story in the name of what they call ‘science,’ which is really just opinions. Would you agree?”
Trump made the face where he imitates what a thinking person does. “Yes, I agree,” he said. “Science is opinions, opinions are fake, fake is news, news is the enemy, the enemy of my enemy is still my enemy, and by the way, what do you guys think about Russia beating you guys in the 60s?”
This article was written by Ben Taylor, who thinks NASA employees are already living on the seven new planets and will leave the rest of us behind. Quit space-hogging, you intergalactic pigs! Follow him for more space rants at @therealbenshady