(Austin, TX) Lately, we here at Eritas Daily have been watching a lot of deep sea documentaries in the office while we work. For many, it has a calming effect and leads to a better work environment. David Attenborough’s voice carrying across the cubicles, describing the mating habits of some eel or another. However, many of us here at the office are having a debate that has come to an impasse. Are hammerheads real, or are they made up by the people over at BBC to get attention?
Now, before we get into this extremely detailed investigation, I feel you need to understand how all this came about. We were watching episode 2 of Blue Planet, which talks about The Deep, when on the screen a hammerhead shark appeared. Now, I will let you know that I am on the side of the shark being a myth, but my mother raised me to keep opinions like that to myself. Apparently some people were not raised in the same way and Kevin blurted out. “You know these aren’t real, right? BBC made them up for the show.”
About 60% of those in the room turned and looked at Kevin with a confused look on their faces, as if to say, “Are you off your rocker, jabroni?”
“Are you off your rocker you big jabroni?” asked Veronica, with tears forming in her eyes.
“No, I read it online once. Trust me,” Kevin replied, seeming shocked at having his integrity challenged.
Ben raised his hand and ejaculated, “According to snopes, hammerheads are in fact real!”
“I could have told you that, you sick freak!” Veronica was visibly shaking and seemed upset by the whole affair. “Calling into question the very reality of such a majestic animals as hammerheads should be a crime.”
After the emotional plea from V and the snopes fact check done by Ben, many in the office were now on the side of hammerheads being real. Only two remained, myself and Beth from accounting, who I am fundamentally opposed to on every other subject except this. Kevin caved almost instantly upon seeing the snopes article for himself, the fool. We had holed ourselves up in the conference room, watching videos on Youtube about how hammerheads are impossible in nature and that the second gunman was on the grassy knoll.
One of the main reasons that I have been on the myth team from the beginning is the hammerhead’s eyes. They are simply too ridiculous to be real. Let me show you:
There is simply no evolutionary reason why a shark would have eyes like that. Obviously someone had been watching too much E.T. at the animation studio, because this is the smoking gun that proves that it is fake. I mean look at this:
While I have been writing this story I yelled across the office to ask Beth why she is opposed to the existence of these George Lucas rejects: “Well, I just figure there is no way that God would do that to a shark. God loves sharks and he has big plans for them. Big plans for the sharks, and big plans for America. We have to make sharks Americans again, in Jesus name, amen.”
“Right, thanks Beth,” I yelled back across the office, “You are the worst.”
Now, back to what I was saying about the eyes. Preposterous!
I don’t even want to tell you how the rest of the investigation went, because after viewing these images I am sure none of you have any doubt that these ‘sharks’ are fake, but, if you must know. Beth was pretty easily won over when a co-worker took her to the local acquarium and arranged for her to actually see a live hammerhead. I still don’t believe this happened, I am pretty sure Beth was brainwashed because, honestly how hard would that be to do?
I, however, still stand firmly in my beliefs, which are based on facts, reason, and eyes.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who creates on average three conspiracy theories a day. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood