Local Man Loves Answering Questions No One Asked Him

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(Cleveland, OH) The office was groaning as it shook off the hibernation of the weekend and got ready to receive the daily corporate disciples that visited her every day of the week. It was Monday and that meant Garfield memes and sunglasses to hide the hangovers. The team had recently received some new members, who were mingling near the front of the cubicle area. One of them said to the other one casually, “Yeah, I know right. Like who even makes the rules about what does and doesn’t signify the death of a Crowhawk?” This was all that local accountant and mediocre male human Clint Margarine needed to leap into action.

Emerging from a nearby desk fern, Clint inserted himself into the conversation. “Well it depends on the locality of the Crowhawk in question. If we are talking about the Alaskan Crowhawk, well obviously the death can only be truly described as when the beak transforms, but if it is a Chilean Crowhawk, then obviously we all know it would be at the time of the Seasonal Slaughter. I mean, at least that is what I read.”

“Okay. Thanks,” replied new team member Rocio. As she tried to avoid speaking further with the troll that had just appeared, Rocio turned to her friend and said, “Would you like to go get some coffee?”

“Absolutely!” replied Clarinda, her new office friend.

As they walked away, Clint wished he had followed them to the lunch room to see what they thought about his Crowhawk knowledge. Just as he was about to see about following them and grabbing some coffee himself, he overheard his boss Mahshid ask if any of the new people had listened to any of the training modules that were due that week.

Almost having to hurdle the three foot dividing wall in order to get there in time, Clint responded to Mahshid by saying, “I already did all of them, they were a good refresher, but I mean, I already knew all of this stuff. I think I could have used my time more efficiently by calling into some former accounts and seeing if we could get back that business.”

“First of all, Mr. Margarine,” replied Mahshid, “I asked the new people. You have been here 6 months, I expect you to understand this training. And second of all, we have found that calling into former accounts is often a waste of time and doesn’t make them any more likely to hire us.”

“Yeah, absolutely. I was saying the same thing just the other day. Man we totally are in sync, you know? Mrs. T, you are so smart it blows my mind.”

A few hours later, after lunch had been had and cigarettes had been smoked, Clint’s director announced that there was some important news he needed to share. The entire office gathered in the largest room in the office and listened to what news was. “It is my honor to share with you that I just got news that the company is going to be acquired.”

No one exactly knew how to respond, so the man on the stage continued, “This is a good thing.” A collective sigh washed over the office workers gathered. A few slaps of high fives could be heard scattered amongst the crowd.

“Now obviously, this is still very big news for the company and we don’t know all of the details yet, but for now we need to keep things going and do what we do best. Business as usual.” Then, as if remembering something, he went back to the mic and said, “I do have time for a question or two.”

Clint’s hand shot up and a microphone was passed to where he was standing near the copier. “So basically, with this acquisition, we could either become a part of this company, or they might just leave us as is and have us under their wing. Eventually, they might get rid of our name and just absorb us as employees. I don’t think this is a bad thing, guys, I think it’s a good thing. Obviously this means we have been doing what we are supposed to, and I say let’s get back to doing just that.”

“Okay. Was there a question in there?” asked the director.

“Oh yeah, how will this affect our bonuses?” replied Clint.

With that, the office groaned again. It was all that she could handle of their silly office drama that day, so she decided to take a nap until closer to 5 so she could get back to ‘me time.’ She knew that tomorrow would eventually come and this would all happen again, but as the final janitor left, she felt at peace.

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