Report: Mike Pence Doesn’t Know What Women Are

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(Washington, D.C.) After a series of stories came out about Mike and Karen Pence and their rules about seeing other humans, the White House revealed a strangely worded statement hoping to explain the Vice President’s quirky behavior. In the release, showed on a TV monitor by Sean Spicer, the White House said that the Vice President obviously understood what women are. It went on to explain how Pence had spent lots of time around many different women (all with his wife there of course) and that he also loves daughters, sisters, and those who command us. Upon reviewing the facts, we believe that Mike Pence doesn’t know or understand what women are.

 

Let’s first take a look at the facts. During his time as Governor of Indiana, Pence passed legislation seeking to harm women, the LBGTQA+ community, and minorities of all class, creed, and color. Now that he is the Vice President, obviously many expected him to pivot towards a more human-rights-friendly angle and really bring one home for the boys. This, however, has not happened. Instead, he broke a tie vote in Congress seeking to defund Planned Parenthood and do the exact same thing the great folks over at Hobby Lobby have been doing without any help from the government for years.

 

On the same day as this was going on in the capital, multiple news sources reported that Mike Pence does not eat meals with any woman unless his wife is there too. He often spends his evenings alone with his wife in their home, eating dinner together and reading the Bible. A lot of speculation has occurred on different social media outlets and cable news shows, but one thing we know for sure is that Mike Pence is disciplined to a fault.

 

So now let’s jump into the wild guessing and inevitable witch hunt. Mike Pence must know that his wife is a woman, right? After all, it has become clear that he is homophobic enough to never think of spending all of his time with another man, so he must understand that his wife is something other than a man. We thought we would ask someone who works with the Pence family for a comment. “Oh yes, Mr. and Mrs. Pence eat alone in their house every night,” explained Guy Belton, a member of Pence’s staff. “But I think you might be right about him not knowing what women are. He never seems to acknowledge his wife’s presence, so it may be that since he doesn’t know what women are that he assumes she is a figment of his imagination.” This would also explain why she never leaves his side, because in his mind, she is always with him.

 

This has now becoming painfully clear: Mike Pence doesn’t know what women are and if he is allowed to continue destroying something he isn’t even aware of we will all be in trouble. If he doesn’t know about how awesome women are, why would he ever support spending money to make sure they have healthy bodies, minds, and sexual lives? What would be the point, in his stunted mind, why any tax payer would want to spend money on something that he can only guess is a tiny, endangered crab that people are willing to pay for with their taxes, is beyond him.

 

We must educate Mike Pence on the existence of women so that he can stop living his mechanical, almost robotic existence and truly come out to the world as the man he was born to be. The future of the free America we all speak of but don’t truly understand lies in the average-sized hands of America’s future step-dad and that is really scary to those of us who know what women are and appreciate their existence.

 

What we are asking of you is to write your senator, write your congressman, and write the benevolent thunder goddess that we all worship each night while we dream because she gets lonely when her lightning girlfriend is travelling for work. Tell them the truth about women and educate them on what they need to know, that way once they understand women better themselves they can tell Mike Pence about it at the water cooler 45 makes them use and really make this country a safe place for people of all genders and identities.

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is a depressed optimist and it shows. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.

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