As long as you can probably remember, Disney Princesses have been a huge part of your life. They taught you how to clean, they taught you how to grow out your hair, they taught you how to find your voice, and most importantly, they taught you how to be unapologetically yourself. Now, the Disney Princesses are here to teach you something else and it’s their biggest adventure yet. Here’s the most exciting part, they want you to join them. What’s the adventure, you ask? Well, it’s a multi-billion-dollar marketing campaign and you are going to play an essential role in it. Want to hear more? Then keep reading, pal!
Pay attention because this is a multi-step process, so you might want to take notes. Here is how it works.
Step one. Subscribed to Disney’s various content feeds. This means Facebook, this means Instagram, this means Twitter, this means Tumblr, this means MySpace, this means Napster, this means Hallmark.com. Anywhere that you can spread the Disney brand message, you should. We heavily implore this behavior. Heavily. Implore.
Step two. Try to tell as many people as you can about how the Disney Princesses have made a difference in your life. Prominent business scholars say that a personal story has a more emotional and financial pull, so really try your best to sell the experience. The more people love our Princesses, the more power the attain. You want our Princesses to be powerful, don’t you?
Step three. Never ever, under any circumstances, disappoint the Princesses. They have very high standards and it is our duty to live up to those standards, nay, surpass them. You wouldn’t want to find out what happens when the Princesses are disappointed, would you? I certainly wouldn’t, I’ll tell you that right now.
Step four. Merch merch merch. If your phone case isn’t a picture of multiple Princesses doing something quirky, don’t even bother pretending like you are part of this adventure. Do you even have a clock shaped like the beloved clock ‘Clocky’ from Beauty and the Beast? God, why even waste our time with you. You are really going to have to prove us wrong with step five.
Step five. Give your body to Disney.
And that about does it! Once we get your cool little flesh vessel into the Vault, everything will be as it should be and the adventure will finally be able to come to a close. Don’t worry, we’ll play your favorite song for you in the Freezing Chamber so you won’t have to be alone. You’ll have the gift of song, a sweet Disney song.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has gotten really into this band you may have heard of, Coldplay. Follow him @NPEllwood.