(Waco, TX) Here’s the thing, I have lived in Waco my entire life. When I was growing up, there was no such thing as a highway, much less interstate 35. Chip and Joanna Gaines were still being made in a Christian Science Lab and none of my neighbors were talking about trying to get on Fixer Upper. It was a simpler time, and in my honest opinion, a better time. Sure, we didn’t have that cool water slide, but you know what we did have? Weird cults and deadly tornado outbreaks. I want that back. Bring back the Waco I remember. Make Waco Suck Again.

Listen, it’s not just the whole Fixer Upper craze. This town used to be it’s own distinct thing and now I feel like we are just trying to be a worse version of Austin. Only, literally no one cares about our city. I used to like the good ol’ days where people understood and appreciated that. If no one cares about your city, no one will care what you do in that city.

Back in the 60s, there were no rules in Waco. That sounds like hyperbole, but I am being quite candid with you. There were no rules or laws of any kind in Waco during the 1960s. I once watched a man shoot his own brother because he had left a tasty beverage out in the summer heat too long. It was incredible.

The other great thing about living in Waco back then was that there was this secret government test that they were running on everyone in the whole city. I can talk about it now because they released the documents on this last month, but it was quite the trip. It started when I was pretty young and went until I was about 18. At that point I guess the secret government got all the data they needed and left us without so much as a postcard from where they went. We were all pretty bummed about that, after all the time we spent together.

The test changed people and they were never able to fully remember who they were before. It was as if they were trying to be someone who no longer existed, but that person was themselves. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but much of my life here in Waco hasn’t made sense.

And honestly, that’s my point. I might have gotten off track, but I want you to understand that we need to Make Waco Suck Again and soon. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to be able to shoot my neighbor over leaving a tasty beverage out in the sun. I want the freedom that comes with indifference.

And most of all, I want my secret government to finally come home. Baby if you’re reading this, you can come spy on me any day.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who only loves Waco because it means he is close to kolache town. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.