Attention weenies, I’m here to set the record straight. Everywhere I go I hear people complaining about the weather and I am up to here with it. I don’t like being at this level, but you the people and a greater society that doesn’t understand truly extreme weather have pushed me to this point. If I have to explain to one more person how temperate this weather is compared to where I grew up, I’m going to lose my mind. You think this weather is bad? I grew up in hell!
Now, a little bit of backstory. I’m not actually a citizen of hell myself. You see, my father was on contract there for the formative years of my life, but around the time I was about to start attending Limbaugh High, my Dad’s work was done and we came back to the U.S. Ever since then I have lived a normal teenage life and will be attending Northwestern this Fall. So, other than an extended stay in hell, something long forbidden for living beings, my life is just like yours.
So again, I apologize for my anger. My rage. It’s just, when I am visiting friends in Texas and they try to tell me how hot it is, I think back on my time on the 24th layer. The 24th is a decent neighborhood, relatively speaking, and I had a wonderful time there. However, the 24th never reaches temperatures below 1000 degrees, so when I hear about record highs in the 110s, I simply have to laugh.
Unfortunately, it’s not just people complaining about the heat that drive me to the brink, but cold-weather braggers as well. This guy I was talking to from Boston the other day was trying to impress me by saying that temperatures in his hometown would reach negative 6. Buddy, negative 6 sounds like heaven to me. In hell, we would call it a good day when we could measure our temperatures in something other than Kelvin.
And don’t even get me started about tornados! Don’t even!
All I am saying is just recognize the privilege you have to live on a planet that isn’t actively trying to destroy you. Those of us that have spent time in hell will tell you, you’re not special, you’re not unique, and we all look the same falling down the suffer hole. Remember that.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who thinks about the weather too much for a non-druid. Maybe this is the sign I have been looking for. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.