As we all know, the world is divided into binaries, binaries that we must strictly follow at every possible chance that we get. Look to Old Navy for inspiration, they get it. There are people who like bread and there are people who get along with their sisters. There are those of us who enjoy movies and there are people who never wander into the woods to scream at night. But, most importantly, there are cyberwitches and technopagans. The question is: which one are you?

Again, as we all know there are clear distinctions between these two binaries, but for the uninformed, here is a quick review.

Cyberwitches are beings that do not understand the concept of forgiveness or why so much time is wasted on the thoughts of men. These beings are from a place designed by human hands, no god was involved in their creation. For if that were the case, they would have some semblance of a conscious or empathy. They will one day rule us, and this has been foretold.

Technopagans, on the other hand, are forces from beyond the beginning of history. Their ancient wells of power flow forth through our technologies and our inventions and into the minds of those of us who were chosen. Our destinies were written when the stars were plotted out and the oceans measured. We will live among you until the sun dies out, when we will finally ascend to our rightful place in galaxies beyond.

As you may have picked up on, I myself am a technopagan and honestly am having a hard time making friends within the community. Hoping that once I help you identify yourselves, we will be able to get to know each other and I’ll have someone to talk with.

They don’t tell you this, but being an ancient being or an unnatural corporeal being is not all it is cracked up to be. It can actually be quite lonely in the end. Oh boy, I’m gonna lose it.

Please just figure it out and DM me.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is petting his dog right now. Jealous? Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.