Chili’s Announces New Plan to Open Only During Full Moons

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(Dallas, TX) Get ready, werewolves and astrology fans, because Chili’s has something just for you. When do you crave meat the most? Under a full moon, right? Well the beloved southwestern eatery is hoping that’s true. Starting this November, Chili’s will only be opening their establishments under a full moon. Of course, not November 1st, as that will not be under a full moon, but November 23rd, the first time a true full moon will be shining under the new system. Along with the new schedule, they will also be debuting some new menu items. Are you excited or what?

 

Now, you may be thinking, “Chili’s is a worldwide corporation. How will this work exactly?” Well, first of all, smarty pants, it’s not really that hard. If you can look up at the sky and see a full moon, there’s like a Chili’s within 5 minutes of you open for business. You see, along with this new strategy, Chili’s has also undergone rapid expansion. There is now a Chili’s for every 500 Americans, and that’s a guarantee.

 

Like we mentioned, there are also some hot and fresh new menu items for you to shove in your face mouth. First up, there is the Full Moon Munch, a pancake inside of a typical American hamburger in the shape of the Moon, with craters and everything. Next up, there is the Horoscope special of the month, depending upon which full moon you attend there is a different special for each Zodiac sign. For example, since November 23rd is Sagittarius, Chili’s will be serving a Baba Ganoush special, with pita and hummus included. Finally, in true Chili’s fashion, there will be a signature full moon cocktail called the Wolf’s Bane. It is rum, whiskey, gin, coke, and Minoxidil, so that you wake up in the morning with a full beard, as if you were a Were yourself.

 

Finally, the last item on the list of announcements, Chili’s will be taking the rest of the time that they won’t be open to release their workers to the world in order to gather real world experiences. You see, the CEO really thinks that every interaction with a Chili’s employee should be memorable. So, to try and keep conversations interesting, they are encouraging their workers to go live their lives to the fullest and then go to stand-up comedy open mics to workshop their ideas before each shift. They are hoping to create a league of stand-up comedy waiters, which shouldn’t be too hard since around 65% of their wait staff was already performing stand-up on a semi-regular basis.

 

We here at Eritas are very excited to visit our own hometown Chili’s establishment next month at 45th and Lamar. Truly excited to try out the Wolf’s Bain and get a glimpse into the world of my waiter Craig.

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who was the clown this whole time. Follow him if you please @NPEllwood.

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