Opinion: The Inevitability of a Jeb! Surge


With only one day left to register for many states and Election Day only 28 days away, everyone is throwing in their hats for their representatives across our nation’s government. As the days draw close, competitors have been taunting each other, calling each other names, and even sometimes being just downright rude. Ted Cruz even went so far as to try and eat Beto O’Rourke during their second debate. However, in my humble and correct opinion, the dwindling days only further cement what I have known for months would inevitably happen: a Jeb! surge.


Now, at first, you may think we are referring to something like what a few outcast reporters tried to push during the ’16 election, that somehow a nationwide write-in campaign would seat Jeb! upon the American throne. This is not even close to what we are talking about. Instead of simply being the most powerful man in the country, and arguably the world, Jeb! will surge into every poll around the entire country, claiming everything from comptroller positions to city council to the United States senate. It will be unprecedented. It will be bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s, but it’s going to happen.


OK, so next you are probably thinking, “Jeb! is only one man, how could he possibly fill all of these positions at once?” Which, is a fair point, we will acknowledge. However, you forget something key to this entire thing. Jeb! is just a white man with a name and if America has a surplus of anything, it’s that. Each of these Jeb! impersonators will be spread across the country, giving the impression that he is somehow filling all of the positions at once. Since no one will be able to tell the difference between him and your step-dad Gary, not only will it accomplish a lot, it will be a huge economic boost. Talk about a lot of jobs.


Of course, this leads to more questions. What about the people the Jeb! bots are replacing? Why do we want more white people in power, isn’t that the opposite of the point? Well, first of all, each of those people are probably going to be fine, so whatever. But secondly, what none of the Jeb! bots or even Jeb! himself realize is that the others exist. In a scheme taken from Three Amigos, we will confuse the nation with an army of Jeb! bots, secretly filling our government with people we have complete control over.


We will then simply use Change.org petitions to vote on what we want the Jeb! army to do. If it gets 100,000 signatures, it officially becomes law in your state or county. It’s honestly a foolproof plan and I don’t get enough credit for coming up with it.


So mark your calendars, dinkbirds, the Jeb! surge is coming. Just you wait. America 2.0 will be here before you know it.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who might be obsessed with Jeb! He’ll have to talk with his Jeb! bot therapist later. Follow him at @NPEllwood where it matters.


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