“You see that?” the perpertually sweaty congressman shouts to the crowd. “You think that was sick, wait until you hear my climate change mitigation proposal.” The crowd goes wild and O’Rourke performs a quick ollie for the hell of it before hopping off stage and directly into the campaign bus. It’s been almost three months since the start of his campaign and the 46 year old Texan shows no sign of letting off the gas anytime soon. His campaign speeches are perfected down to a T and the climax of the performance is when he kickflips over a gas can, followed by a sick anecdote about our reliance on fossil fuel. We caught up with him to here how the road is treating him and what’s next for the Big B.
Interviewer: “So, Beto, can we call you Beto?”
O’Rourke: “Well it is my name, so sure. By the way, I love your Unknown Pleasures hoodie, I have one just like it.”
I: “Stop trying to butter me up, sir. We are an independent and bipartisan news source and that’s not just something you can claim without facts. Tell us, how is the campaign going so far, in your opinion?”
O: “I think it’s going great. We’ve been meeting people all over this great nation. More specifically, Iowa. I just love getting to meet these people where they are, stand up on their tables and counters, and just start ranting. I’ve lost a few campaign managers along the way due directly to this behavior, but honestly its where most of my campaign’s policy platform comes from.”
I: “So you’re telling us that a lot of those speeches are improvised?”
O: “Yeah, right off the dome.”
I: “Stop that. So, what’s next for the Great-o Beto?”
O: “Ooh I like that. I’m gonna steal that.” *O’Rourke motions to a nearby assistant to write that down. “I mean, the next step seems obvious: the presidency. And I want to take a moment to say something about that real quick.”
I: “Um, ok. Wait, what are you doing?”
*Congressman O’Rourke begins to clear off appliances, notebooks, and laptops from the table we are sitting at. He then climbs on the table.
O: “America, we need to do better. We need to pick ourselves up by our checkered Vans…”
He kept talking, but elevator music had started playing in my head, as it does when he begins to rant. That’s what happens after a few weeks on the campaign trail with this guy.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes the best person wins. Follow him @NPEllwood.
[…] As many of you know, the fearless staff at Eritas Daily has covered the grittiest truths beneath Ted Cruz’s skin suit for years now. We talked about his surprising support for potential Supreme Court judge Danny Devito, whose famous portrait of degenerate Frank Reynolds inspired Justice Brett Kavanaugh to “just be himself.” We also bravely exposed Cruz’s bunker of beans so our readers could take advantage the next time he’s mid-flight in a State-wide energy crisis. And, we got exclusive access to Cruz and his beloved spiders in a private celebration of his win over Texas pro-skateboarder with favorite uncle energy, Beto O’Rourke. […]