Okay y’all, if you haven’t seen Hereditary yet, don’t. Seriously. It will mess with your mind for weeks. I have been plagued by this movie, whose horrifying images have worked their way into my brain like a worm in a rotten apple. My mind is actually turning into gelatinous mush because of that movie.
If you have, cool! You’ll understand what’s going on in my house. But don’t worry, there’s no piano strings in this story. Actually, the demon from Hereditary is a pretty normal dude and we have a lot in common!
So, quick backstory, basically I was so terrified by Hereditary that I thought about it non-stop for a month and accidentally summoned the demon to my place. Not exactly a desired house guest, but I figured there wasn’t much I could do about it and he’s been crashing here for almost a week now. At first he kept scaring the shit out of me by floating in random corners. After a few unnecessary frights, I finally worked up the courage to ask him, “What’s the deal dude?” And he was like, “There’s a massive spider on the floor, I just cannot deal with anything that has that many legs.” And honestly, I get it.
He’s also really clumsy. Like, one day I was working in my living room and I heard this massive thud and I was like “Alright, this is it. The furious head banging has begun. My time on earth has come to and end.” But then I realized he smacked his head on the doorframe because he’s not that great at this floating business. I keep reminding him that no one’s gonna judge him if he walks around like a regular person, but I guess in demon culture it’s seen as degrading or something. Demons seem pretty uptight if you ask me.
My only concern right now is that I can’t invite my male friends over. I mean, he’s an okay demon and all , but I don’t really want him getting clingy and possessing my friends. I mean, that’s just not cool. Right? Plus, I’m kinda hoping if I leave the upstairs window open long enough, he’ll accidentally float out and then I can cleanse the house or something so I can finally get some alone time. I just wanna take a bath without him scurrying across my bathroom ceiling, you know?
This article was written by Irma Vep, who also dabbles in the dark arts but like, the normal bloodsucking kind. Follow her on twitter @scholarly_steph
[…] press release continued, “After The Academy forgot that Hereditary was the only movie made in 2018, Aster is taking extreme and justifiable measures to seal his place […]