(Hawthorne, CA) At a recent press conference at Tesla headquarters, CEO and tyrant Elon Musk set out to answer a few questions about his recent unveiling of his hyper loop tunnel. However, things quickly derailed as, in his usual style, Musk decided to disrupt everything for seemingly no reason. After the first question, “Why on Earth would you design something this dumb?” was asked, instead of answering it, the rogue CEO decided to use this as a teaching moment. “Again, I direct this statement to you journalists gathered here as well as my board of directors. I am not and will not be taking constructive criticism at this time. Thank you.”
Stunned and slightly surprised, as Musk had called the press conference himself, the journalists milled about and enjoyed the craft services that were being offered. Say what you will about Elon, but he never passes up an opportunity to spend money needlessly. Seeing that no one was going to listen to him without answering questions, he ran over to the buffet table and hopped on top of it. “That being said, if you will indulge me, I do enjoy a monologue every now and then. Just, don’t criticize me, I’m afraid I might literally explode.”
For the next 20 minutes, Musk went on to talk about a range of subjects from his love affair with Grimes to the ridiculous ‘train’ he had recently designed. However, he didn’t actually end up saying much, as he kept having to remind the folks gathered around him that he wouldn’t take any critiques of his work. “I am a genius,” he stated ludicrously. “Nothing can change my mind on this, unless Grimes takes me back, but Azealia saw to it that that will never happen.”
“And yes, if you were wondering I have read the articles talking about how dumb my invention is and to them I say, ‘Have you ever built a full functioning train?’ Yeah, call me when you have. Until then, you need to listen to how I am going to cut down on overpopulation with my new invention, the Poors Cannon.”
At this point, many of the journalists were trying the doors to the building, but they all seemed to be locked. Some of the doors had simply disappeared into the wall with no sigh that they had ever existed in the first place. Musk went on for hours and hours and slowly the journalists began to praise him, suffering from severe Stockholm syndrome.
Finally, the doors were put back in place and they were able to leave, but only before a Tesla employee installed a chip in their arms. “Now, don’t worry about this,” Musk reassured them, now standing on top of a Space X rocket in the parking lot. “These chips will simply self destruct should they detect that you are writing anything critical of myself, Tesla, the Boring Company, or anything else I enjoy, like sucking the blood out of dead fish. Now, get out there and write, write like the wind!”
With that, the doors closed behind them and Musk launched himself directly into the sun. Talk about a power move.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood while snowed in, what a dream. Follow him @NPEllwood.