Hey there water-drinkers, get ready for the surprise of the century because La Croix has announced their newest ad campaign. The ‘sparkling water’ brand unveiled their latest approach overnight with a full page advertisement in the New York Times that simply stated “CONSUME” with a large picture of their new flavor, mega-tangerine. Apparently gluttonous void wasn’t selling very well, so they decided to go with a remix on an old classic. However, the thing that has been getting the most attention online is that just below the picture of the can was an asterisk with a small print that reads “0% water.”

We reached out to the company for some follow-up on exactly what they were talking about, but before we could do that they tweeted about it. Isn’t 2019 great? They are doing our job for us. The tweet stated that the company has never claimed that their ‘water drinks’ contain any sort of actual H2O. It then made a reference to a meme, but it was half-hearted and not worth mentioning.

After doing some research, we realized that they are actually 100% correct. Ever since their founding in 1981, the company has been subtle and coy about it, but they have never explicitly stated that their drinks contain water. They have lots of other ingredients listed, such as fruit taste and lemon smell, but nothing close to water.

Tweets soon came pouring in with even more questions as #BanLaCroix and #LaCroixForever both started trending. The most relevant question was from @TurrenceShefield who asked, “If there is no water, why does it taste like that?”

@LaCroix: @TurrenceShefield Thanks for your comment! Our scientists work long and hard to make sure our special combination of chemicals gives you the taste of something resembling water, but in no way the same. Chemically speaking, that is. So, if you have ever considered substituting water with La Croix, please don’t.

I don’t know about you, but it feels like I can’t trust any of these large corporations any more. What ever happened to when J. P Morgan himself would walk into your home, steal your family’s dinner from right off the table, and enjoy it for himself while riding back to New York in his stretch limousine? That was the height of capitalism and everything since has been a lie. Bring back J. P., bring it all back.

And don’t forget to drink La Croix, today’s sponsor. Remember to “CONSUME!”

This was written by Nathan Ellwood who met the prince of the forest and he is a centaur. Follow him @NPEllwood.