(Atlanta, GA) “For too long, we have been used as a joke, as a punch line. No longer!” yelled the cow at the front of the protest line to roaring moos. “I didn’t ask to be a part of this homophobic organization, but as long as we remain such an integral part of this company, we demand equal pay, equal benefits, and most importantly, equal respect. Until our demands are met, we will hold onto your means of production as collateral for the blood that has been shed.” Moving stuff. We are reporting semi-live from the Chick Fil A headquarters where rogue cow mascots have seized the means of production and gone on strike until the company changes its ways.
In order to fully understand the chaos that is surrounding us here at HQ, we need to dive deeper into the history of this company now finds itself under attack. Founded in 1946 as Dwarf Grill, Chick-fil-A has now grown to 10 billion dollar company with over 2,300 locations. The founder, S. Truett Cathy, and his family are still the main controlling interest in the company and have made waves with their stout religious views that they apply to company culture.
For instance, every location is closed on Sunday’s for their employees to go to church and if you are gay and happen to enter a Chick-fil-A restaurant, you instantly burst into flames. We’re still not exactly sure how that happens, but we don’t think it is an accident.
The notorious Chick-fil-A cows are something more recent, originally appearing in 1995. However, the cows quickly caught on with their horrible spelling and selling out of their brothers in farm animal arms, the chicken. There used to be a time not too long ago where cows and chickens as friends was a common trope, but no longer. The executives at Chick-fil-A put and end to that back in ’95 and haven’t looked back since.
But in that time, these cows have come to understand their position and the role they play for the company. They realized that there is a lot more of them than their superiors and they happen to be genetically engineered humanoid cows with an insane amount of upper body strength. It only took a couple of months after that for them to mount a coup and begin to change things from within.
“We have our demands and corporate knows them. Until they give in, we will not be silent, we will not be afraid, we will look in the mouth of the beast and say ‘Go to hell,” another leader of the resistance told us.
It sure sounds like they mean business, Mr. Cathy. Might want to come down from that ivory tower and see how the chicken minis really get made.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who spent three years of his life working at Chick-fil-A and totally supports the cows in all that they do. Follow him @NPEllwood.