With the upcoming Democratic primaries only 30 years away, much of the nation is suffering from a severe case of option paralysis as candidates come and go like ships passing in the night. Most recently, Michael Bloomberg has joined the fray and decided that spending millions of dollars only to drop out in 6 weeks seems like a good idea. However, like all candidates, Bloomberg has enough name recognition and charisma to sway people to his cause and pledge their votes in his triumphant name. Over the course of the last week, we have interviewed seven of these voters who plan to cast their ballot for ol’ Mike. But don’t worry, we totally asked about how much money they make.
Meet Dan from Wisconsin. Dan wants to vote for Bloomberg because the last 4 years of living with the guilt of voting for Trump in 2016 has almost been too much for him to bear. He thinks that Bloomberg will be able to right the wrongs and show us what a benevolent billionaire looks like. Dan makes $210,000 per year doing god knows what.
Meet Hasim from Texas. Hasim has seen Bloomberg ads almost every day for the last month, even before he announced he was running. He has seen Bloomberg starting his business. He has seen Bloomberg fighting 9/11. He seen Bloomberg making promises that Hasim believes he can keep. Hasim is going to vote for Bloomberg in the primary and Trump in the general because he is a ninny. Hasim makes $120,000 per year as a Manager.
Meet Keri from Tennessee. Keri has always stayed out of politics, but recently she has decided to get more involved. Keri has made a few major steps, primarily following Michael Bloomberg on Twitter and posting one of his campaign videos on her Facebook wall. She currently doesn’t know the names of any other candidates. She is going to vote for Bloomberg because he’s the one she knows. Keri is the CEO of a mid-range manufacturing company and makes $530,000 a year somehow.
Meet Ji from California. Ji likes Andrew Yang’s policies, but doesn’t agree with his fashion sense. He feels the same way about Bloomberg, but feels like he’s slightly less lame when it comes to his drip, so he is getting Ji’s vote. Ji makes 3 mil a year by ‘influencing’ minors and their parents to buy prescription drugs.
Meet Hannah from Maine. Hannah has always wanted to move to New York and Bloomberg is from there. Voting decision made. Oh yeah, Hannah also has the most successful lobster business on the East Coast and makes more money than the others combined.
Meet Sacramento from New Jersey. Sacramento has always had a knack for calling winners and losers, especially when it comes to politics. Sacramento is going all in on Bloomberg because he has a gut feeling that he’s going to go all of the way. Sacramento’s gut is also telling him that this will set a horrifying precedent for future elections, as it will prove that the American people can in fact be bought by the likes of Bloomberg. Sacramento makes $180,000 per year as a professional Fortnite plater.
Meet Blanche from Iowa. Blanche had a vision of Bloomberg winning and always trusts her visions above all else. Blanche comes from old corn money and is only voting for Bloomberg in the primary to make sure Trump wins in the general. Blanche hopes to continue receiving millions of dollars in bailout money, like she has for the last 2 years.
God help us all.