(Houston, TX) Since the beginning of the pandemic, there has been one politician that has not been able to keep himself out of trouble. At first, Senator Ted Cruz was only doing what plenty of other Republicans were doing, which was downplaying the virus. But then, he started to take it up a notch, getting into Twitter beef with everyone from Ron Perlman to Sonic the Hedgehog. However, it wasn’t until this week that we reached full Cruz. Yesterday, coming to us live from an underground space below his home, Ted gave his first press conference from a newly constructed ‘bunker full of beans.’


“I stand here in the bunker full of beans to tell you this, America, we will not back down,” announced Cruz, standing in front of rows and rows of Goya products without wearing a mask. “My family has been eating these beans for 100 years. The liberals will tell you that the Goya corporation wasn’t founded back then, and to that I say, clearly you’ve never started your own business.”


The actual purpose of the press conference was confusing from the beginning, seeming as thought Cruz had called members of the press to his residence purely to show off his bean collection.


“To those who might wonder – No, this is not a green screen behind me, these are real beans that I intend to eat along with my family. Many of you know my classic story of buying 100 cans of soup and since I got such great response to that last time, I’ve decided to double it. Meaning I am standing before you with 200 cans of beans behind me, ready for whatever comes next.”


The longer we were there, the clearer it became that there was no real reason for the press conference other than to show off the beans. We humored him, sure, with questions like ‘how long did this take to build?’ and ‘really, all refried? no chickpeas or anything?’ But he seemed dead set on pontificating relentlessly about his bean bunker.


“I even called the president to tell him about all the beans I had secured on behalf of our nation, but he pulled one of his classic pranks by handing the phone to Stephen Miller, who went on to describe for me the exact date and method of my death. Classic Stephen. I just hope the President knows what this level of commitment is causing me.”


When we asked Cruz our final question, simply an exacerbated sigh of the word ‘Why?’ he finally gave us a glimpse into what was happening. “My wife and daughters won’t me in the house without a mask, considering I just flew across the country without one. So, yes, the bunker full of beans was born out of necessity, but look what I have been able to create! They can have the A/C, I’ve got Goya, baby.”


With that, Cruz opened up the nearest can next to him with his single long fingernail and began to dig in, no utensils required.