As a New York Times best selling author, teen romance wordsmith, and level 11 nerd, people often ask me what my daily routine is like and how I balance so many things in my life. In this op-ed piece I will explain exactly what I do every day in order to stay alert and agile, both of mind and body.

The first thing I do in the morning is roll over and kiss my wife on the forehead. Occasionally she will whisper something to me, and if it’s cute enough, I write it down in the Dr. Who journal that I keep on my bedside table. I then remove the slime that has accumulated underneath me during the Resting Period of the previous night and make my way to the kitchen.

Once in the kitchen I brew up a nice, hot cup of coffee. I like my coffee without cream or sugar, nice and black, blacker than any of my pre-pubescent characters have ever been. I gulp down the entire pot in one go and move on to the bathroom. Along the way to the bathroom I stare out the window, and if it is raining, I recite to myself the first five words that come to my mind regarding rain.

“Wet. Cloud. Water. Home. The sins I left behind.” I always say these words out loud and just picturing the precipitation in my mind instantly puts me in the writing mood. I continue on to the bathroom and once there take a good, long look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes the image in the mirror grimaces back, other times it does not. I never know which mornings will lead to grimaces and which will lead to a blank face, but that’s life.

Now that I have completed my morning routine and general self grooming (that I won’t get into for the sake of time), it is time to write. I raise myself above my desk using a pull up bar and slowly sink into my skin suit. Once I have gotten all of the wrinkles out I boot up the old laptop, spend approximately three minutes and twenty seconds kissing a picture of myself, and then I comb my Tumblr tags for inspiration.

The rest of the day would be too much of a “peak behind the curtain” if you will, so I’ll leave you with something I like to do each evening. Once my wife and child have tuckered out in their designated locations I sneak up to my rooftop and stair into the void. This is a writing tip that Maureen Johnson taught me and I have to say that ever since she did, I truly believe that I have transcended this puny universe and soon The Truth will be revealed to me.

John Green is a best selling author and lives with his family in Indianapolis, Indiana. Check for his books at your local bookseller: The Vault for Our Scars, Looking for a Metaphor, An Abundance of Spiders, and our personal favorite, the nonfiction saga: The Human Experiment Has Failed. 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is a manic pixie dream boy. Follow Nathan on Twitter @NPEllwood