This is a Neighborhood Watch for all districts of Bezos City. The following has happened. An Amazon Prime Drone™ has gone rogue and current whereabouts are unknown. We are issuing a notification to all Prime Citizens not to be alarmed and do anything rash. No vigilante justice will do to defeat this menace. No. This will take the Prime Army to defeat.
The Prime Overlords have also endorsed this behavior and sent us their love from Silicon City, Resting Place of the Gods. We thank them for their endorsement and the Prime Warriors of the Prime Army shall wear their symbol with honor in the war to come.
Before they left, we asked members of the Prime Infantry why they would risk their lives for a company. Here is what they said.
“Oh, I would do anything for 2 day shipping. Like, anything.”
“It’s not just their A+ with the Better Business Bureau or the fact that their customer service makes me realize I need to leave my husband, but the reason I fight in the name of Prime is because of how it makes me feel to open that smiling package on my front porch every day. I’m in massive amounts of debt.”
“Oh, well, I left a review that turned out to be misleading to the customer, so I am serving my penance as a member of the Prime Army. Only a few more months and I can go back to my wife and family, that is, if she hasn’t ordered another spouse on Prime yet. Ha. Wait, what do you mean that’s a thing now?”
“I am a secret member of the Slime Resistance and I am just here to spy. I am required by Slime doctrine never to lie, so being a spy has been tough.”
“My husband was killed by a rogue Amazon Prime Drone™ back in 2016, so I’m here for revenge.”
Remember citizens of Bezos City and the greater Prime metroplex sprawl, it is an honor to serve Prime and the Lords of Amazon. And also, please let us know what your neighbors are up to. I mean, we watch everything through your mandatory Echo Installment, but sometimes we are lazy and miss stuff.
As they used to say, the only way to know thy neighbor, is to watch them.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who understands that this was too much. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.