In a new partnership with police precincts all across the country, Amazon has announced that are rolling out a new service that allows Prime users to buy immunity to arrest for up to 72 hours. According to the company’s website, they believe that this will allow their valued members to get a taste of “the freedom that America provides.” While this statement is both haunting and vague, it has launched Amazon’s stock price to record highs and over 1 million orders of the service have already been requested. However, due to some national restrictions, they are only able to roll out the service in select cities. Here are some of the stories coming in so far.
Austin, TX: Ever the innovative city, several Austin-located Prime members took to the streets with tools they had been sent in via drone earlier that day and gutted the road system of the city. Apparently, citizens are upset about the way their highways were designed, so using his new immunity from arrest, Jerry Feldman and his group of friends came out to do something about it. “I just really hate the roads,” he was reported as saying.
Denver, CO: In the somewhat colder climate of Denver, most of the Prime residents that had qualified for the program spent their time raiding stores that stocked sweaters and jackets. According to a local news story, just minutes after the new service was announced, citizens weren’t even waiting for confirmation that their order had gone through before leaving the area Northface and Columbia outlets bare. “Yeah I really just needed any sort of excuse to rob that place. I’ve had my eyes on this pullover for months and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it.”
Cincinnati, OH: Just pure chaos. Ohio is not for lovers, it is for anarchy. If you are in Ohio and you are reading this, I wish you godspeed. Get to the borders if you can. Get out.
Boston, MA: “There were beans everywhere. I don’t even know what to say. It started off so simple. I was on my way to the grocery store when I got the notification on my phone, but I was on an errand so I didn’t think much of it. When I first entered the grocery store, everything was fine, but by the time I left my mind was scared. I’ll never be the same.”
These tests have proven so fruitful that Amazon is planning a launch nationwide soon. Look for new laws in your city this fall!
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who ate the last Oreo. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.