Have you ever wanted to scrounge around? I always see different small animals like rats and possums and squirrels just straight up scrounging and I’m like “Yeah man, let me get in on that.” Well, that’s where it all started for me, an aspiring rodentologist at the time and now a full blown sciuriologist. In my studies of these tiny creatures I have learned so much about how to live an effective and efficient life from them. Today, I am bringing these secret treasures to you, our dear readers. You are so very welcome for this in advance.

 

1. Eat them greens. 

Almost all rodents are herbivores and if we’re being honest, you could certainly use some more vegetables in your life. I know I could!

 

2. More agile on water than on land. 

Like the majestic nutria, it is important to be versatile.

 

3. A complex vocal repertoire 

“Don’t be a dingus, be like the degus!” That’s what we always say at least, us rodentologist I mean. And like the degus, you should have a wonderful and complex vocal repertoire. This could be a good speech, a selection of songs, maybe even a firm whistle. It’s really up to you, just as long as you can bust it out at parties or other appropriate social occasions.

 

4. Don’t get stuck in a maze. 

Just pragmatic, straightforward advice that works for almost every situation. Trust me, you do not want to get stuck in a maze, especially Jeff Bezos’s elaborate labyrinth in the mountains of West Texas. Don’t even get me started on that.

 

5. Learn from your mistakes. 

When Jeff Bezos lets you out of his elaborate labyrinth, don’t go back. He will tell you that you can have 1 minute free shipping for the rest of your life, he can offer you his drone fleet, he can even tell you that you are now free to commit crimes, but don’t believe him. He just wants to hunt you like the rat that you are, no offense intended.

 

6. Find your cheese and chase it. 

All of our lives, we search for meaning and few of us ever truly find it. Depressing as that may be, if you can find your cheese, your destiny, you should chase it with all your heart.

 

7. Dig as many holes as you can. 

Another just common rat saying, or so I’ve discerned in my studies, but it still might mean something to you, so I impart it nonetheless.

 

And! Don’t forget to say thank you to your local rodents today.